Beauty Will Rise

Giveaway Winners!

2011-12-28T09:23:00.000-05:00

I still have family in from out of state, so this post is just a quick notification of the winners from the giveaways!

Winner of the One Year of Joy and Laughter is Alison!

The winners of the Memory Books are Ian's Mommy and Alissa!

The winner of the CD is Melissa!

I am going to start working on the gifts for all who entered next week too! I also need to post about Christmas. Just not enough hours in the day!

I hope you all had a peaceful Christmas and are preparing for a blessed New Year!

Merry Christmas! (and a Giveaway!)

2011-12-25T00:01:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas readers!!!

I have been pretty absent the past couple of weeks, but today I am co-hosting the last day of Tina's 25 Days of Giveaways! Yay! Since I know ya'll have tons of things to do and family to spend time with, I'll keep it short and sweet!

First off, I know that since today is Christmas, so I thought I would give away some gifts that would be good for the New Year.

Giveaway #1

My babies in Heaven have beautiful names. Shyla Joy and Jakin Isaac. The mean Creative Joy and God Will Establish Laughter. So what better thing to give to one of you than this One Year of Joy and Laughter Devotional? I seriously want to keep it for myself. Joy and Laughter were both things that were (and sometimes still are) hard to come by after the loss of a child or children.

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Giveaway #2

In the Company of Angels
A Memorial book from www.pregnancyloss.info
This memorial book is basically a baby book for a loss mom. It is beautifully done. (And please still enter for this item if you have lost twins or more than one baby...I have two to give away! My babies were not twins, but I feel the need to keep everything "even" just as if they were here.)

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Giveaway #3

The third giveaway is a CD. This CD has a selection of songs that have helped me through the loss of my two beautiful babies and many of the songs are included in the care packages that we take to the hospitals and have been used in memorial services around the country (I sent several of these CD's to October 15th event organizers last year).

TO ENTER THE GIVEAWAYS:

The giveaways will be open until 11:59pm December 27th and winners will be announced the next day. I would like to also offer something special to everyone that enters, but it will be a surprise, so please leave the following info when commenting below:

*Which item(s) you would like to be entered for (just let me know if you would be happy winning any of the items or if you just want to be entered for a specific one or two).

*Your baby or babies names.

*Your email address.

*And if you would like please include something that has brought you joy or laughter since your loss.

Love and Hugs to all and I hope you all have had a Merry, Peaceful, Joyful Christmas.

Just Catching Up

2011-12-02T23:19:00.000-05:00

My guest post for 12 Days of Christmas with you in Heaven posted today at Small Bird Studios. I wrote out our Christmas Stocking Project and how much it has blessed us at Christmas time. I think I will do this again this year...

Jakin's first birthday in Heaven (aka Thanksgiving Day) has come and gone and I haven't had a chance to post about it. It was a hard day. Much harder than Shyla's first was. Maybe because on her first we had the hope for him...I'm not sure...but we did spend much time together as a family. I cried when I needed to cry and we took him a balloon and visited the cemetery. I also spent most of the morning making the Christmas saddles for their rocks. Complete with white poinsettias (and a pink and blue one too!) glitter and a sparkling dragonfly each.

It was a long day and honestly, I'm kind of glad it has passed. It is so much easier to look on the holidays with Joy after the hardest days have passed and I know that that day was the hardest.

We got our Christmas tree on Sunday and putting the ornaments on is always such a rush of memories. This year was no different. Each ornament was placed with love and a smile. We have so many ornaments from Shyla's first Christmas in Heaven and a few from Jakin's last year as well. Also adorning our tree are ornaments Ethan has picked out every year and a picture from the day he was born. I now also have many of the ornaments from when I was a child. It was a beautiful night decorating the tree (except when the beautiful live tree took a nose dive on me!)

Anyway, I'm still here and I plan on updating again soon.

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and are preparing for a peaceful Christmas season.

Much love.

Remembering Jakin's Healing

2011-11-23T08:45:00.000-05:00

One year ago today, Jakin's heart was healed and he went home to Heaven. I've just re-read my post from that day and I only kind-of remember writing it. I have no doubt God was carrying us through those days. It's a little harder today than it was then, in a way. I don't know what I should be doing today. I'm not sure how much more I can even elaborate, words are kind of escaping me today. So I will just leave it quoting myself from my post I wrote one year ago today...

Ecclesiastes 7:1 says "A good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one's birth."

Today was better than tomorrow.

2011-11-18T11:30:00.000-05:00

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I woke up at 4:00 this morning. And I couldn't go back to sleep. First my mind went to some Christmas gifts I need to make. Then on to my to-do-list today. Then I couldn't help it going where it has been going lots lately. To my littlest child. Jakin's first birthday in Heaven is next week. I grieve that I feel like we will not celebrate his life the same way we did Shyla's. We had a beautiful celebration for her 1st. Jakin's first is on Thanksgiving Day. I know it wont happen. I know there will be very few that think to speak his name that day.

I laid there this morning and asked my husband a "why" question. I knew he wouldn't have the answer...and I really give an honest effort to stay away from the "why"s. I asked him "Why did he have to die at Thanksgiving? Isn't it enough we buried two of our children? Shyla's original due date was Thanksgiving too. Double whammy.

I'm having a harder time being at peace now than I was when we were approaching Shyla's first. I wish I could keep from comparing them. But I can't help it. Don't we all try to treat our children fairly? What we do for one, do for the other(s)...

I really need some prayers to help me focus on God and his peace right now. I know that those things can be found only in Him. I need His strength, and I need him to carry me through. I have no doubt He is near, but sometimes the grief is just stronger than others.

And now is one of those times.

One Year Ago

2011-11-11T21:44:00.000-05:00

We learned we were having another boy!

We already knew his name was Jakin Isaac (God Will Establish Laughter).

We learned his little heart was beating WAY too fast.

We were sent to the high risk OB early to receive a diagnosis of SVT (which later changed).

We asked for prayer and we prayed the word over our son.

We asked others to do the same...

In just short of two weeks, our boy will be celebrating his first birthday in Heaven.

It almost seems too surreal at times, that I even had him. That I held his little body and buried him beside his sister. Maybe it was all the medication. Maybe it was God's protection. Maybe it was all I could do to face the Holiday's grieving again.

Please keep us in mind on the 24th. Thanksgiving Day. It will have been one year since I saw that precious little face and held that tiny little perfect hand...

Broken Praise

2011-10-26T22:20:00.000-04:00

"You were the one who filled my cup. And you were the one who let it spill. So blessed be your Holy name if you never fill it up again. If this is where my story ends, just give me one more breath to say Hallelujah!"

I recently learned about Music Inspired by The Story.

On this album is 18 songs by 24 amazing artists. The songs are taken from the Word of God and are absolutely beautiful. From the orchestra playing the overture "I AM" about creation to Mark Hall and Megan Garret of Casting Crowns singing as Abraham and Sarah in a song called "Who But You" to Steven Curtis Chapman singing as the thief on the cross in "How Love Wins" these songs are all amazing. They are backed by the London Orchestra. Not only are they composed absolutely beautifully, the lyrics are from the word and are so extremely moving.

But out of all of these, the song that hit me the hardest is called "Broken Praise". It is from the book of Job and it is sung by non-other than Todd Smith (from Selah, and of course the husband of the beautifully inspiring Angie Smith)! You can go HERE to listen to part of the song (#11), but I really wanted to post the lyrics here as well. I HIGHLY recommend you purchase this song (actually the whole album). It is such an awesome way to experience the Bible. And check it out! They are all going on tour together too!

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Broken Praise

If one more person takes my hand

tries to say they understand

tells me there's a bigger plan

that I'm not meant to understand...

If one more person dares to jest

that I have something un-confessed

tries to make the dots connect

from righteousness to Easy Street...

I, I won't deny that I've relied

on some assumptions.

A man's honest life

entitles him to something.

Who am I to make demands

of the God of Abraham?
And who are you that you would choose

to answer me with mercy new?

How many more will wander past

to find me here among the ashes?

Will you hold me? Will you stay?

So I can raise, this broken praise

to you...

Who else would see my suffering

as one more opportunity

to educate, to help me see

all my flawed theology?

If one more well-intentioned friend

tries to tie up my loose ends...

Hoping to, with rug and broom,

sweep awkward moments from the room...

I, I can't forget

that I have been just like a mad man

for my chance to die

never have to face the morning.

Who am I to make demands

of the God of Abraham?

And who are you that you would choose

to answer me with mercy new?

How many more will wander past

to find me sitting in this ash?

Will you hold me? Will you stay?

So I can raise, this broken praise

to you?

You were the one who filled my cup.

And you were the one who let it spill.

So blessed be your holy name

if you never fill it up again.

If this is where my story ends

just give me one more breath to say...

Hallelujah!

Wave of Light

2011-10-15T22:17:00.000-04:00

My candles were lit tonight...

Grief Work

2011-10-12T22:37:00.000-04:00

This Saturday is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Like many of the amazing loss mamas I have met on this journey, I don't post here as often as I used to, but I have had my babies on my heart so much lately.

Source

I have also had the other families who have experienced this kind of loss heavy on my heart as well and I just wanted to share this quote by W. Graham Scroggie, in Billy Graham's book, Facing Death...

Let grief do its work. Tramp every inch of the sorrowful way. Drink every drop of the bitter cup. Draw from memory and hope all that they can offer. To see the things our loved ones have left behind will give us daily pain...but what would we be without those reminders? Would we like quickly to break with the past in order to ease our grief? Those who truly love will say that they have found in sorrow a new joy, a joy which only the brokenhearted can know.

So as we all remember and try to raise awareness this week, let us draw from our memory all that it can offer and bask in the joy that only the brokenhearted know.

I know without a doubt, my brokenness has brought me (and my family) closer to God. It has made our marriage stronger, our parenting better and our relationships more meaningful. We may have known pain like no other, but we also live with a glimpse of Heaven in our hearts and know that the trials of this life are just a blink of the eye compared to what is coming....deep, everlasting, JOY.

Remembering with you....

Source

Two Years of Blogging

2011-10-01T14:33:00.002-04:00

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Today marks two years since writing my first blog post. I had no idea what I was doing (and still really don't), but I can say that this has been an extremely therapeutic way to heal, to remember and share with other's that you are not alone. In the past two years, I have shared so much with my friends and (gasp!) strangers on this blog, but in the end, the support I have been given and have been able to give back has far outweighed the negative feedback or annoying spam comments. Since that first blog post, I have shared so, so much in this space...

Remembering Shyla on my first Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in 2009.

Why Dragonflies are so special to me.

Shyla's birth story.

The idea of Shyla's Stocking and then some of the amazing acts that were placed inside.

Our first Christmas with out her.

Our journey beginning with the March of Dimes, the newspaper article written about our family, and the March for Babies with our family the ambassadors in Shyla's name.

Oklahoma City and Shyla's pregnancy.

Reminders of her...

The announcement that we were pregnant again and asking for prayers for our Rainbow.

The Pregnancy and Infant Loss Training Event we organized for "first responders".

Shyla's first birthday and celebration of life.

Our Miracle Rainbow...when the Dr was wrong...

When something else was wrong...our boy's heart wasn't working like it should.

Jakin's ultimate healing and birth.

The service to remember and honor Jakin's life.

Our 2nd Christmas without Shyla and first without Jakin.

Our adoption announcement.

Jakin's Due Date.

The Amazing Women of Faith Event I had the privilege of attending.

Shyla's 2nd birthday.

I also shared some funny experiences...like this post...(well, it wasn't so funny to me...)

I feel like I have ran an emotional triathlon the past two years and I am so glad I have had this platform to get out most of my feelings and connect with other loss moms. You all have given me SO much support and I thank God for you!

Shyla's 2nd

2011-09-19T17:50:00.000-04:00

Shyla's 2nd birthday in Heaven was just a little over 2 weeks ago. The day was a blur and I don't really feel like I did a great job doing things for her this year, but it was all a little over whelming.

My dad was still in the hospital from his biopsy he had had the Tuesday and my brother and his family had driven in from Oklahoma City, so we were going to try to get to the hospital early. We stopped by the cemetery on our way out of town and brought our girl some roses.

My Mom had gotten the dragonfly and we placed it between Shyla and Jakin's stones. There is the large one with pink wings then there are smaller ones with blue wings and pink butterflies that you can't see real well in the photo.

Ethan still likes to go to "Shyla and Jakin's" as he calls it. He has never called it a cemetery and I know he has heard us refer to it as one.

I made pink cupcakes and took them to my Mom's house to share with everyone and we went to the hospital to see my Dad. He was in the CVU, so we could only go back to see him a couple of people at a time and kids weren't allowed back, so we took turns and played with the kids in the waiting room.

Dad was released that night about 6 and we ran a couple of errands and ate dinner together.

I know it's been two years and I know it makes people sad, but compared to last year, no one really mentioned her (besides other loss moms on fb and a few other close friends on my fb page). The first year I said what I wanted to say and grieved openly. The 2nd year, I was pregnant with Jakin, lost Jakin and started the adoption process. I don't feel like I can grieve as vocally as before. Like people expect me not to talk about her any more. I mean, I know it was a terribly busy day and dad being in the hospital, getting his cancer diagnosis a few days earlier, labor day weekend, family traveling in from out of state, but I felt like I didn't do a good job remembering her and if I don't, who will?

Maybe I will do better next year. Maybe not. Maybe this is just part of the journey is letting go a little more every year I just really dislike feeling like she is forgotten already and I don't know what this 3rd year of grief holds for me.

I guess that's why C.S. Lewis said that grief is a lot like suspense.

But I also believe that is why God tells us that He is our refuge and strength, our counselor, our hope...He is. Not anyone else. Just him. Not just during the first year of grief, but all the days of my life.

"The Lord has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve...to bestow beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a Spirit of despair."

~ Isaiah 61:1-3 and quoted by Jesus in Luke 4:18

No matter what and no matter how long it's been He is Emanuel.

God is with us.

El Shaddai.

All Sufficient.

I have to just remind myself as time goes by, whether others speak her name or not, God is with us and is all I need.

August 31

2011-08-31T17:23:00.001-04:00

August 31, 2009, was the night we found out Shyla had passed away. Our hearts were broken.

August 31, 2010, we organized and hosted a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Education training for medical professionals, social workers, clergy and any one else who might be the "first responders to miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal loss. The event was held in the basement level of the hospital.

It was also our first scheduled pre-natal appointment for Jakin. The appointment where they could not find a heartbeat and they told us to prepare for a miscarriage.

August 31, 2011, I have sat in that same hospital we learned of Shyla's death (one floor down) with my dad. His biopsy yesterday showed that he does have a large cell carcinoma in his upper right lung. We are still waiting to see what his treatment options are. He will probably still be in the hospital for a couple days.

I really hope I can stay away from the hospital on August 31 next year...this is really getting old.

Shyla's 2nd birthday is Friday and I have no idea what we will do. My brother and his family are traveling in from Oklahoma and dad might still be in the hostpital, so I just don't know what to plan.

It has been a very tiring, emotional week, but God has carried us through and will continue to carry us. He is bigger and he is stronger.

Please keep my dad in prayer...

Seven Families

2011-08-29T11:23:00.001-04:00

Recently, I have had some issues with health insurance. Denied because we are adopting. Denied because of my "heart condition" which they assumed I have after seeing I had taken a medication for Jakin's heart after his diagnosis and before his death. Adding to my husband's insurance was WAY too expensive, so I began searching for alternatives. Then I came across Samaritan's Ministries.

Samaritan's is basically a Christian MedShare. Instead of sending a jaw-dropping amount of money to an insurance agency, I send a set amount of money every month to another Christian in need of financial assistance with their bills. Samaritan's is based on the principles set in Galatians 6:2 "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.". But, not only do I send my monthly share, I send a note of encouragement and agree to pray for the person whom I will send my share to. When I have a medical need, I send in a request packet and Samaritan's sends my need to another person in the share who does the same for me.

I did a lot of research and we prayed about what to do about my health care. We chose Samaritan's and I sent in my paperwork and we just got my first monthly newsletter. As I browsed the newsletter, I was impressed. The article on The Morning Center, a maternity care center they are trying to get off the ground, touched my heart as I see women everyday at the crisis pregnancy center I work at that would benefit from such a program. Then I saw two pages in the newsletter titled, "New Rewards". It didn't take long for me to realize these are babies born to Samaritan's members. I scanned the two pages and prayed for these babies and their families. I also looked to see if any of them had any mention of being stillborn. I wondered how Samaritan's handled that. There are currently 17,000 families that are members of Samaritan's...statistically, there would be babies that had been (sadly) lost before birth.

I turned the page and found specific ways I can be praying for the persecuted church. Again, I didn't expect to see that there, but it broke my heart to read of the persecution going on around the world.

As I scanned the next page, I saw the title "Final Rewards". It listed two members that had passed away and gave a few paragraphs about each person and included their family and address where encouraging notes and financial assistance could be sent if someone would be so led. Then, in the second column I saw the following paragraph:

The families listed below have experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth. We list them here to honor the lives God gave and saw fit to take home. We also list them so that continued prayer and encouragement can be provided during this time.

Then there were seven families listed. Seven precious couples whose lives have changed in a way they probably never expected. Listed also there was their addresses.

Would you please join me in prayer for these seven families. God knows their names and their needs.

Just pausing.

2011-08-09T08:41:00.000-04:00

Just pausing today to remember our rainbow. One year ago today, we learned of his presence in our lives and that we would be adding to our family. Today begins the emotional rollercoaster of the next 19 weeks including "anniversaries" (I really don't like that word, but can't think of another one that really fits) of Shyla's death, birth and burial as well as her EDD 2 years ago. Also in the next 19 weeks, it will be one year from Jakin's first appointment when no heartbeat could be found and being told I would miscarry, the follow up appointment that proved he was a strong baby and was measuring 2 days ahead, his diagnosis, and his death. All these days of pausing to remember happen between now and Thanksgiving.

Of course, many other things are happening in our lives right now and will happen between now and Thanksgiving. Ethan starts homeschooling next week, I've kind of organized a local group of homeschoolers to start meeting, I have another speaking engagement scheduled for September, (hopefully) many Tupperware parties, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is in October, we have a few more fundraisers on the books and are praying our file gets sent to Korea before Thanksgiving.

But today, I pause to remember Jakin and his life and the excitement that surrounded it.

And hopefully, I will laugh, because if you didn't know, that is what his name means, "God will establish Laughter".

Thanks for thinking of us over the next few months as we pass all the "One year ago..." and "two years ago..."

Bring Hope Home Online Auction

2011-07-25T17:34:00.000-04:00

We are having an online auction adoption fundraiser at our Adoption Blog today through Saturday!

There are lots of great items up for grabs (77 to be exact) and I just wanted to share a few of them with you...

Sufficient Grace Ministries Tee

Blog Design By:

So go on, if you see something you like...head on over to Bring Hope Home and place your bids! There are many more listings to look at there as well!!!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-07-20T23:27:00.000-04:00

Hard to Explain

2011-07-18T16:52:00.000-04:00

It's really hard to explain my emotions some times and I almost don't even want to move forward with these thoughts for fear of being misunderstood. But for the sake of sharing and letting others who may be feeling this way know they aren't alone, here goes...

Yesterday there was a baby dedication at church. These have been a little difficult since loosing Shyla, but yesterday's was especially hard. These were the families that were pregnant when we were pregnant with Jakin. All of us due within a few weeks of each other. We announced our pregnancies about the same time and a few of us were pregnant the first time together and our oldest kids are the same age. When they announced they were doing a dedication, I involuntarily became tense. As I watched all the beautiful babies and their families file in front of the church I began to feel my eyes get hot with tears and had to fight them back. When the prayers were being prayed for all these precious families the lump in my throat got bigger and I struggled to stay in the present.

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This may be the hard part for some to understand. I loved seeing those healthy babies up there. Each one of them is a blessing to their family and I know they are all cherished. (If any of the parent's of these babies are reading this, I sincerely hope you understand how happy I am for you and that I love seeing you with your little ones!) But something about not being a part of this dedication was so painful. Just another reminder of something I feel like I have lost. Just like when I see Ethan get so enamored with a baby girl that is the same age Shyla would have been. It's so hard to explain. I'm so happy for them, but my arms still ache...

We are getting close to Shyla's 2nd birthday so maybe why the emotions have been a little more raw. I'm not sure. It could just be one of the ups and downs that this grief does to us. I'm struggling with what to do for her special day this year. With her birthday in September, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in October and then Jakin's first birthday in November (Thanksgiving Day actually) we have lots of opportunities to remember and honor our babies, but as most of you know, that can be as exhausting as it is special. Read HERE to see what we did for Shyla's first birthday. It was a beautiful day. We don't plan on doing anything as big as that this year, but I still want to do something, even if it is just for our family. I would love any suggestions!

Grateful.

2011-07-08T15:48:00.000-04:00

I'm linking up with Gypsy Mama and 5 Minute Friday.

Want to take five minutes with me and just write without worrying if it’s just right or not. Here’s how we do it:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat with no editing, tweaking or self critiquing.

2. Link back here and invite others to join in {you can grab the button code in my right side bar}

3. Go and tell the person who linked up before you what their words meant to you. Every writer longs to feel heard.

Today's promt...

Grateful.

GO!

I have so many things to be grateful for. A little boy in particular that helps life my spirits anytime, anywhere.

I'm grateful his daddy is teaching him manly things...like how to hold his fish and what a "leverman" (Leather.man) is for.

I'm grateful for birthday parties and cousins and kiddie pools.

And grateful for being that mom that lets him have too much sugar on special occasions.

I'm so grateful that my big boy will still fall asleep on his mommy's lap.

Even in the middle of the lake.

And VERY grateful for swimmies and for bravery I've never seen in a four year old delicately balanced with a respect for the water.

I'm grateful for this yellow two seat kayak that has taken Ben and I from dates the first summer we were together to riding our first born in it.

And grateful we both have days off work when we can enjoy it together and for a husband that knows where to go to avoid the holiday traffic :)

I and I am so very grateful for little signs. I am so grateful for seeing so many dragonflies this summer.

I am so very thankful for summer and all the beauty that makes it what it is.

STOP.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-07-06T22:37:00.000-04:00

Everlasting Joy

2011-07-02T21:57:00.001-04:00

God's word is amazing isn't it?

I could stop this post right there, but I miss writing on this blog and wanted to share something I read tonight. Both the kiddo and the hubby fell asleep before 9 (after a long day of kayaking and playing in the pool) and I find myself with the unique situation of a quiet (mostly clean) house. I sat down to read the Bible and take advantage of this time.

At the beginning of this year, I resolved to read the Bible through in 90 days. I have tried the One Yea.r Bible several times and I always fall apart by August, get behind, can't catch up and quit. But I thought I could do this. 90 days. 3 months for me to read the Bible. I got behind a day once or twice, but I got caught back up and I did it. I loved this reading plan because it kept me focused. But one thing about reading that much scripture everyday and staying on that schedule is that sometimes I felt like I just didn't have the time to dwell on the words. I LOVED using the Bible app on my iP.od touch because I could "bookmark" scriptures I wanted to study and I have been going back through the bookmarks and trying to dig deeper.

Tonight, I was in John. It's near the end of Jesus' earthly life and he is trying to describe to his disciples what is getting ready to happen...

"You're going to be in deep morning while the godless world throws a party. You'll be sad, very sad, but your sadness will develop into gladness."

Then he goes on (as Jesus often did) and give them a visual description to help them understand their emotions during his death and resurrection...

"When a woman gives birth, she has a hard time, there's no getting around it. But when the baby is born, there is joy in the birth. This new life in the world wipes out memory of the pain. The sadness you have right now is similar to that pain, but the coming joy is also similar. When I see you again, you'll be full of joy, and it will be a joy no one can rob from you. You'll no longer be so full of questions."
John 16:20-23 The Message Bible

I know that the pain and joy he is referring to here is the pain of his death and the joy of his resurrection. But part of me sees that this promise still holds true.

But the part at the beginning is what struck me tonight. Talking about the pain and joy of childbirth. I had to really try to remember the joy in the birth of my living child. Shyla Joy's birth was peaceful, calm and beautiful...but I honestly don't think I could use the word joyful to describe her birth. Jakin's birth was more traumatic for me. After two c-sections and absolutely no idea what to expect with his birth I was more than nervous to say the least. Combine that with not being allowed to have an epidural and the sickness brought on by all the labor inducing meds and the fact that for the 2nd time in 14 months, I was preparing to see one of my babies lifeless...again...joy was not a word that I related to that experience.

At first reading, I felt a little robbed. I mean, what was he talking about? I understand the "hard times" of labor, but the "joy in the birth" part was making me really think. I had to search deep in my mind to recall Ethan's birth. The memories from that day are foggy (thanks to an over zealous anesthetist) but I did start to recall what it was like to feel him lifted from my body and hear that first (loud) cry. I remember struggling to see him as they cleaned him up and then they brought him to me to see as they closed the c-section. I remember touching his soft little face and that feeling of complete joy washing over me as I watched my husband carry our baby boy for the first time.

I had to talk with God about this. I'll admit that there are times I still question him. Like when a lady I know locally has a miscarriage on the anniversary of her first (and only other child's) stillbirth and the wonderfully sweet lady I met online who just had her 4th miscarriage in 2 years...

I know that life is not ours to understand and most of the time I don't ask these questions. But I have noticed them creeping in lately. And then I read this scripture. And then He speaks.

The joy that is coming will take away the pain of those memories. You'll no longer be so full of questions.

The joy that is coming will be permanent. Forever. And NO ONE can take it away! PLUS, our questions will be gone.

This joy is not anything that we can fulfill ourselves or seek to be fulfilled by another human, but will only be fulfilled when Christ returns or when he takes us home to Heaven.

The labor pains we feel are reminders that our joy will not be birthed here in this life, but in one far more permanent. These contractions of grief and longing will all fade when we look into the eyes of our savior and know that the joy we have been longing for is now the joy we will walk in for eternity.

One of the best parts is we wont be alone. Many of you that are reading this have loved ones who have went ahead and birthed their joy and are basking in the Heavenlies with our joy-giver. Once our labor here on earth is over, we will have our babies who were birthed into eternal joy. They literally never knew anything but love in this world and eternal joy in Heaven.

{source}

I'm in tears and awe that my God is showing me this tonight. While I may have a hard time using the word "joy" to describe my feelings on the days of two of my babies births, JOY was all they were experiencing. Babies that are born living are thrust from the comfort of their mother's wombs into a bright, cold, unknown world that is scary...but our babies...they were born into Heaven. They were born into warmth, love, angels and EVERLASTING JOY!

Wild Olive Tees Fundraiser!

2011-06-30T08:37:00.001-04:00

I know I posted a while back that we were doing an adoption fundraiser with Wild Olive Tees and that it was ending soon. Well, they are so awesome and extended it until today! SO...today is the last day to order tees and help our adoption fund! Just enter family code WELLS0417 in the coupon code box to benefit our account! Thanks so much! I love my tees and I know you will too!

ADOPTION FUNDRAISER TEES

Because $30.00 Details	Beloved $30.00 Details	By Grace NEW! $30.00 Details

Faith NEW! (picture coming soon) $30.00 Details	Follower $30.00 Details	Free Indeed $30.00 Details

Hope $30.00 Details	Love Others NEW! (picture coming soon) $30.00 Details	Peace $30.00 Details

Rooted $30.00 Details	This Is Love NEW Super-Fitted tee! $30.00 Details

Memorial Day Weekend Recap Day 3

2011-06-25T14:44:00.000-04:00

Monday was our big boy's 4th birthday and we had a traditional birthday breakfast of chocolate chip pancakes with strawberrties and whipped cream...yum!

Then, another birthday tradition was to take Ethan fishing. We got out on the lake and he had so much fun. It was such a beautiful day!

We got to see two majestic bald eagles too. One immediately flew away, but the other stayed around for a while. So amazing!

After fishing, we took a rest at home then before heading to Ethan's party, we stopped by the cemetary to finish decorating for Memorial Day.

He had his first ever ice cream cake!

Then we had to play some games...

I have to admit...this is the first time I have not made Ethan's cake, planned a party and really worked like crazy to get it all done. Being out of town the two days before just made it too hard. But you know what... I learned a valuable lesson for times like this. Ethan had just as much fun as he did when I worked all morning on his birthdays past....AND it was so much easier!

He was sad to leave, but he had so much fun. He still talks about playing the games and having so much fun.

Memorial Day Weekend Recap Day 2

2011-06-21T21:33:00.000-04:00

We had to say our see-you-laters right after breakfast and let my brother and his family get on the road to Florida. I think it's hilarious we took about 100 photos in the hotel room!

Gracie and I

Nana and the kiddos

There is my brother again...

Aunt Ashley and Ethan

After we parted ways, we decided to drive around a bit and realized that nothing was open yet because it was still pretty early on a Sunday morning. So we started back North. On the way we saw a sign of something really interesting and thought we would take a little detour to one of the few freshwater pearl farms in the US. There was a little museum and everything!

Globe made out of different shades of pearls

I just had to get a picture of South Korea :)

A partially formed pearl cut out in the shape of a heart...

This reminded me of a fetal growth chart...maybe because I look at one all the time now (at the Center).

Pearl Dragonfly

Heart!

It was a really neat experience and we may even plan to go back when they are having a tour of the pearl farm and get to see them harvested!

Memorial Day Weekend Recap Day 1

2011-06-20T21:44:00.000-04:00

I know Memorial Day was almost a month ago now, but I just wanted to recap our weekend.

We found out on Friday night that while on the way to Florida from Oklahoma, my brother, sis-in-law, niece and my sis-in-laws mom were going to spend the night in Tennesse. So we decided to leave early Saturday morning and meet them in Tennessee and hang out! Saturday was Gracie's 2nd birthday and Monday was Ethan's 4th so the cousins got to spend time together for their birthdays. We met up and did a little gift exchange in the hotel.

My wonderful brother and sis-in-law live just outside Oklahoma City and she and her family did a yard sale a few weeks prior to this and decided to give half the proceeds to our adoption fund. The photo above is the poster they had sitting up at the yard sale and had everyone who bought something sign a little slip that had "Bring Hope Home" on it and gave those to us. How sweet are they!?!

Then we headed to the Old Country Store and home of railroad legend Casey Jones for a great lunch and photo ops!

Yummies...

Blackberry Butter

The beautiful light in the Ice Cream Parlor. Check out the awesome flocked wallpaper and the tin ceiling. Beautiful!

Large barrels of yummies!

Gracie was so tired from driving through the night.

I love Jell.y Belly jelly beans!

Rock Candy

Some of the prettiest aprons I have ever seen!

I found these pretty pink dragonfly perfume bottles.

Yes, you read that right, canned possum....um...yuck...

Oh yes, home made fudge :)

This beaded cross had little dragonflies all through it!

This train car was outside the country store and we thought you could tour it. When we got up to the door, we realized it was a law office. Ooops!

We were about 5 minutes too late to actually tour the train museum :(

Pray it Forward

At Gander Mountain.

My silly big brother :)

I took a photo of this milkshake because it is a very important milk shake. It is the first one that my husband has had in about 13 years. He has sufferred with severe lactose intolerance for that long and has recently just discovered that the lactose pills work for him. So yay! This has opened up a whole new world of cooking and baking!

Later that night we stopped at a great cupcake to celebrate the kids birthdays!

Celebrating our big boy!

After wayyyy too much sugar...

There we go, much better!

Here they are together.

When we got back to the hotel room, they watched a movie for a bit together before bed.

They were so precious together! It just melted my heart.

I'll post more about our trip home later because this post has gotten much longer than I anticipated!

God Knows

2011-06-11T21:42:00.002-04:00

I've not been around this blog in a while. I guess I needed a break and I didn't even know it. We've been living life and experiencing some changes and trying to get all settled in. I changed jobs and let me just say...wow! I love how I spend my days!

Let me preface this by saying that I loved my job at the school I worked at. I loved the people and I couldn't have asked for a better place to have been over the past 3 years. But, 2 of the past three years have been difficult. I feel like my first year there, I was the most productive and I knew what I was doing and excited about it. I was pregnant with my 2nd child and working a great job and just living the "perfect" life. The beginning of my 2nd year there is when Shyla went to Heaven. I went back to work after 6 weeks, but it took much, much longer for my brain to catch up. I couldn't concentrate, I was forgetful, tired, distracted. I know I wasn't the best employee I could have been, but I do think I did the best I could. At the end of that year, we worked out to shorted my contract and not work the full 187 day school year, but drop to 131 days so I could have more days for Dr appts and maternity leave when we were able to get pregnant again. I found out I was pregnant the first week of school of my 3rd year. I wasn't technically full time and I now feel like that hindered my effectiveness, but I did ok. We lost Jakin the week of Thanksgiving. I missed over 6 weeks this time due to Holidays and snow days. Again, coming back to work was hard. Doing this 2 times in a little over a year was really hard. Ben and I even talked about me not going back to the school at that point because it was so hard. I wasn't sleeping and I wasn't myself.

I really didn't need to get into all that! But all of that to say this...God knew how much I needed this change. It has nothing to do with the job itself or the people there, but I can't be in that school without thinking about my pregnancies and going back to work after both my losses. I remember bumping into a door in a certain hallway after returning back to work after loosing Shyla and grabbing my stomach like I was still pregnant. The desk I sat at and felt for movement the day I had a feeling she was gone was the same desk I returned to twice. While there, I had to put all of this in the back of my mind. And it's not like it was the only thing on my mind. (I know some one reading this is thinking I probably need help. And yup, your right, but God is taking care of me. He is still healing the broken places.)

{via}

For those of you who have not been in my shoes, it's kind of like if someone you love has died in a car crash and the feelings you get when you have to drive past that spot in the road. That feeling never really goes away either. Sometimes you might even go out of your way to avoid driving on that road because the feeling it gives you, even if the road itself has beautiful scenery and an easier drive. Well, I didn't avoid going to work, but sometimes it was hard to mentally "go there". I didn't quit, and infact, I was hoping to still be there through at least October, but God knew what I needed. The grant that funded my position was a three year grant and the three years are up. There was a possibility for an extension, but God closed that door for me.

My last day at the school was on a Friday and I started something new on the following Tuesday. I hate to even call this new thing "work". Because I have never "worked" anywhere where we start the day with prayer, Christian radio is on the whole time, I can pray with the clients and I feel so at home. Three days a week I am blessed to be a part of the local Crisis Pregnancy Center. The name of the center is the HELP Center (which means Holding Every Life Precious, how awesome is that!). The other staff and volunteers are all awesome, beautiful women with such amazing hearts! In my time there, I facilitate the one on one pregnancy education classes and parenting classes for our clients, go through clothing donations, and whatever else needs to be done (like killing the random wasp and washing donated clothing items). It never feels like work, because I do believe it is more of a ministry. I just can't even tell you how wonderful (and healing) it is to be there.

I just keep being amazing at how God knows. He has always known exactly what I need and when I need it. He knows the lessons I need to learn and He knows when I need a break. He knows. My new mantra might just have to be His plan, His timing, He knows. I think I'm He is really trying to teach me this now!

Rows for Remembrance

2011-05-17T10:58:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, I got these two beautiful gifts from Rows for Remembrance. Shaina has such a great ministry with these lovely blankets. Here are my treasures...

Shyla's Blanket

Jakin's Blanket

I just love these blankets. I cuddled them for the longest time the day I recieved them. Aren't they just beautiful? If you haven't requested one from Shaina yet, head on over and see more of her lovely work!

Wild Olive Tees Fundraiser

2011-05-09T22:26:00.001-04:00

UPDATE: Wild Olive Tees has extended our fundraising period until June 30th!!! So if you haven't ordered yet, there is still time!

***

I try not to post a lot on this blog about the adoption fundraisers that we have going on, but I just had to share this one. Because I LOVE these tees!!! Until Saturday, May 14th, you can purchase the tees you find HERE and use code WELLS0417 in the coupon code box and a portion of the proceeds will go to our adoption fund. Please take a minute to browse their site, but until you have the chance, I thought I would leave you with some of my favorite designs! (Also, if you want to keep up with our adoption progress and news you can go to our adoption blog, Bring Hope Home).

Arise, Women

2011-05-07T22:04:00.001-04:00

Although I do want to celebrate Motherhood, my emotions are starting to get the best of me as the day draws near. I miss my babies. I want them in my arms everyday, but for some reason, Mother's Day is especially hard. It's so comercial for the most part, so I have been researching the origins of Mother's Day and while knowing where it started doesn't ease the aching in my arms, it does let me know that these arms are not the only ones that have ever ached and that I will survive.

Here's to you, Mothers.

All of you.

*****

The first North American Mother’s Day was conceptualized with Julia Ward Howe’s Mother’s Day Proclamation in 1870. Despite having penned The Battle Hymn of the Republic 12 years earlier, Howe had become so distraught by the death and carnage of the Civil War that she called on Mother’s to come together and protest what she saw as the futility of their Sons killing the Sons of other Mothers. With the following, she called for an international Mother's Day celebrating peace and motherhood:

Arise, then, women of this day!
Arise all women who have hearts,
Whether your baptism be that of water or of tears
Say firmly:

"We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies,

Our husbands shall not come to us reeking of carnage,
For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of
charity, mercy and patience.

"We women of one country
Will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."

From the bosom of the devastated earth a voice goes up with
Our own. It says, "Disarm, Disarm!"
The sword of murder is not the balance of justice!
Blood does not wipe out dishonor
Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have of ten forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons of war.

Let women now leave all that may be left of home
For a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them then solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace,
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God.
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality
May be appointed and held at some place deemed most convenient
And at the earliest period consistent with its objects
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions.
The great and general interests of peace.

{source}

At one point Howe even proposed converting July 4th into Mother’s Day, in order to dedicate the nation’s anniversary to peace. Eventually, however, June 2nd was designated for the celebration. In 1873 women’s groups in 18 North American cities observed this new Mother’s holiday. Howe initially funded many of these celebrations, but most of them died out once she stopped footing the bill. The city of Boston, however, would continue celebrating Howe’s holiday for 10 more years.

Despite the decided failure of her holiday, Howe had nevertheless planted the seed that would blossom into what we know as Mother’s Day today. A West Virginia women’s group led by Anna Reeves Jarvis began to celebrate an adaptation of Howe’s holiday. In order to re-unite families and neighbors that had been divided between the Union and Confederate sides of the Civil War, the group held a Mother’s Friendship Day.

Anna M. Jarvis's Mother's Day in 1908

{source}

After Anna Reeves Jarvis died, her daughter Anna M. Jarvis campaigned for the creation of an official Mother’s Day in remembrance of her mother and in honor of peace. In 1908, Anna petitioned the superintendent of the church where her Mother had spent over 20 years teaching Sunday School. Her request was honored, and on May 10, 1908, the first official Mother's Day celebration took place at Andrew's Methodist Church in Grafton, West Virginia and a church in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The West Virginia event drew a congregation of 407 and Anna Jarvis arranged for white carnations—her Mother’s favorite flower—to adorn the patrons. Two carnations were given to every Mother in attendance. Today, white carnations are used to honor deceased Mothers, while pink or red carnations pay tribute to Mothers who are still alive. Andrew's Methodist Church exists to this day, and was incorporated into the International Mother’s Day Shrine in 1962.
US Government Adoption

In 1908 a U.S. Senator from Nebraska, Elmer Burkett, proposed making Mother's Day a national holiday at the request of the Young Men's Christian Association (YMCA). The proposal was defeated, but by 1909 forty-six states were holding Mother's Day services as well as parts of Canada and Mexico.

Anna Jarvis quit working and devoted herself full time to the creation of Mother's Day, endlessly petitioning state governments, business leaders, women groups, churches and other institutions and organizations. She finally convinced the World's Sunday School Association to back her, a key influence over state legislators and congress. In 1912 West Virginia became the first state to officially recognize Mother's Day, and in 1914 Woodrow Wilson signed it into national observance, declaring the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day.

The Fight Over Commercialization

The holiday flourished in the United States and flowers, especially white carnations, became very popular. One business journal, Florists Review, went so far as to print, “This was a holiday that could be exploited.” But the budding commercialization of Mother's Day greatly disturbed Jarvis, so she vociferously opposed what she perceived as a misuse of the holiday. In 1923 she sued to stop a Mother’s Day event, and in the 1930's she was arrested for disturbing the peace at the American War Mothers group. She was protesting their sale of flowers. In the 1930’s Jarvis also petitioned against the postage stamp featuring her Mother, a vase of white carnations and the word “Mother’s Day.” Jarvis was able to have the words “Mother’s Day” removed. The flowers remained. In 1938, Time Magazine ran an article about Jarvis's fight to copyright Mother's Day, but by then it was already too late to change the commercial trend.

In opposition to the flower industry’s exploitation of the holiday, Jarvis wrote, “What will you do to route charlatans, bandits, pirates, racketeers, kidnappers and other termites that would undermine with their greed one of the finest, noblest and truest movements and celebrations?” Despite her efforts, flower sales on Mother's Day continued to grow. Florist's Review wrote, “Miss Jarvis was completely squelched.”

Anna Jarvis died in 1948, blind, poor and childless. Jarvis would never know that it was, ironically, The Florist's Exchange that had anonymously paid for her care.

{source}

Five Minute Friday

2011-05-06T11:51:00.001-04:00

Motherhood should come with...

Five Minute Friday. Where we throw caution (editing, revising, and worrying) to the winds and just write. Without wondering if it’s just right or not. For five minutes flat. The rules are easy.

1. Write your heart out for five minutes and show us what you’ve got.
2. Tell your readers you’re linking up here and invite them to play along.
3. And most importantly, go visit, read, and encourage the fellow five-minuter who linked up right before you.
{Pretty please turn off word verification for the day to make this easier!}

Today's topic...Motherhood should come with a...

GO!

Motherhood should come with warning labels. Enter at your own risk.

Warning: You will feel love like you have never felt before. Pain you can't imagine. And your heart will no longer be your own but partially be with the child you carried. On heaven or earth.

Warning: You will get unsolicited advice on how to care for, grieve, or raise your child. Take it all for what it is and turn to the Lord for direction.

Warning: As much as you say you are ready and as confident as you are, you will doubt, fear and worry that you aren't doing the right thing.

Warning: God will use your child to turn your heart to Him more than ever. Be prepared.

Warning: You will find out that you are braver than you think, stronger than you think and wiser than you think...

Warning: You will fall more in love with your husband than ever before.

Yes, motherhood should come with many warnings, but I think they are totally worth it. God gave me my children. All of them. The one I have in my arms, the two I have in my heart and the one I will hold someday born from another mother.

STOP.
Ok, now it is your turn. Go over to Gypsy Mama, write 5 minutes regarding this prompt and link back up at her site!

Women of Faith - Eyes that Know (Meeting Angie)

2011-05-05T22:11:00.001-04:00

On Saturday, Kelly had been emailing Angie back and forth and they decided the best way to get to meet her would be at the book signing at the end of the day. We left the last session a little early so we could go to the section where she would be. We stood in line and talked while waiting and then the line started to move.

As soon as it was Kelly's turn, she said, "I'm Kelly from Sufficient Grace Ministries..." and Angie let out a huge squeal and gave her a hug. Then one-by-one we took turns stepping up and hugging Angie. Each of us told her a little of our story and she looked at us with eyes of a mother who is not feeling sorry for us, but eyes of compassion. Eyes of a mother who knows.

Angie and I hugging.

Angie meeting Holly and Lainey.

Angie said, "I never get to see my blog reader's boobs!"

Listening to our stories and seeing the compassion in her eyes.

I wasn't going to share this one...Angie says she looks like a deranged gopher when she cries...apparently I look like one when I laugh...BUT I just had to share this moment. She is so funny!

Talking with Angie.

Angie signing my copy of "I Will Carry You".

Group Photo!

Security was urging us to hurry on or we would have stayed there all day talking and sharing with her. They kept reminding her she had a plane to catch and we knew that too. She was talking with us and said, "Next time, we will meet at the hotel for coffee in our PJs!"

It was a great experience, but sadly, it signaled the end of our weekend as well. We grabbed some more group photos, said a prayer and parted ways.

This awesome group of ladies represents so much hurt but so much HEALING.

Miscarraige, stillbirth, fatal dianosis, rainbows, death of older children, organ donation, strained marraiges.
Healing hearts, grace, grace and more grace. Hope. Joy. Peace.

And how thankful am I for eyes that know and voices that speak.

I love you ladies. I know I did not get to spend much time with many of you in this photo, but you have touched me. Thank you for accepting me as part of your group and as a sister.

***

After we left the arena, Erin, Holly, Amber, Lainey and I decided we should get dinner before heading back to our homes. We stopped at Ol.ive Garden and had a great dinner (and dessert) and talked the evening away. It was dark by the time we left the restaurant and Erin offerred to open her home to me another night so I did not have to drive 5 hours home that late. We got back to Erin;s house and we all sat in Holly's van for a long time before we decided we should go in. Holly and Amber decided they should spend another night too. We stayed up way too late talking and the next morning I headed home.

It was a beautiful weekend and I am so thankful I went and so thankful for seeing more eyes that know.

Women of Faith - Telling our Story

2011-05-04T22:17:00.000-04:00

We started off Saturday with a great surprise! A very special guest was there. Laura Story then took the stage and sang the beautiful song, Blessings. It was such a beautiful song and I had a dear friend on my heart when she sang it. Here is the live performance...

Kelly had been emailing Angie and we were trying to work out a time to meet face to face, but she was so busy with the Women of Faith schedule. Angie said she was nervous, so we took a moment to pray for her while we were on a break.

Then she took the stage.

As I expected, Angie told her story with so much grace and love. She told the story of her family and her precious Audrey Caroline. She told her story. She told our story. A story of a mama with a broken heart and empty arms. A story of God's grace and the offer to walk on the water with Him. A story of faith and a story of failing. She gave a voice to the grieving mama's in the room and for that I am grateful.

We all felt the words she were saying as if we were saying them ourselves.

She says that she cries like a "deranged gopher" but the only tears I saw were beautiful ones. Beautiful tears. Eleven thousand women heard her story, our story, and wept. We all cried together. For Angie, for Audrey, for Kelly, Holly and Erin. For you and me.

And it was beautiful!

***

We then had lunch and tried to get some photos together...we'll maybe just photos with Lainey!

After lunch there was an amazing concert from this beautiful lady...

I had heard Natalie Grant on the radio, but seeing her live was a totally awesome. She has a very powerful voice and her songs are just beautiful! She sang a beautiful acustic version of her song, Held. We used Held at the October 15th service we organized last year. After her concert was over, she was applauded back onto the stage and sang "It is Well" acapella.

Hearing 11,000 women echo after her...

It is well

It is well

With my soul

With my soul

It is well, It is well
With my soul

AMAZING!

I'm getting chills again just thinking about it!

***

(Again, I have rambled on and it has gotten late! I will have to post about meeting Angie Smith tomorrow!)

Women of Faith - Monkeys, Mayhem and Mary Mary

2011-05-04T21:22:00.000-04:00

Holly and her sweet cousin Amber met us at Erin's house on Friday morning and we drove into the city for the conference. It was quite a bit chillier than I had thought it would be...but it wasn't raining! Yay!

After a short moment of fear over some tickets, we got into the arena and found out it was general admission for the daytime session. We found some seats (well, actually, we found the bathrooms first!) and got settled in to be blessed.

We heard from two speakers that morning. Sheila Walsh and Dr. Henry Cloud.

If you have never heard Sheila Walsh speak before, she is awesome. The mix of her Scottish accent, sense of humor and love for the Lord makes makes time fly by and not to mention the singing voice! Wow!

Then Dr. Cloud had his turn to speak. The fact that he was the only male speaker at this event should say something about how good he is. We actually own one of his books (Boundaries) and I was looking forward to hearing him speak.

He is a psychologist and he related research with God's word and made them work together. Many in the psychiatric field believe that you can either believe the Bible OR you can believe the research. Dr. Cloud pointed out how they can work together. He gave us a visual demonstration of the four "corners" we put ourselves in life. Isolation, bad habits that feel bad (abusive relationships), bad habits that are better than the others and may feel good (eating a pint of ice cream) and then the fourth corner was the cross. He did an excellent job talking about the internal dialogue we can have with oursleves (I would know nothing about that...)

What I found most interesting though, was he talked about studies that were conducted on monkeys in regards to their stress hormones. A monkey would be put in a cage and scary sights, sounds and lights would scare the monkey and a measure of stress hormones were taken. They then changed the environment for the monkey by just placing a monkey that monkey #1 was familiar with into the cage with it. The scary situation remained, but because there were two of them together, the stress hormones decreased by 50%. See, we really do need each other. For the rest of the weekend, we were each others monkey's. And you haven't realized it by now, you need a monkey too. Some one to go through life with (not with a fake smile, but in the real hard, scary times as well). Some one you can look in the eye and know she is feeling the same things as you, but it will be ok because you are not alone. I pray you all have "monkeys" in your life :-)

We took a lunch break and spent some time talking. Then it was time for the afternoon session.

We heard a little more from Sheila Walsh and they had a Q&A time with her and Dr. Cloud. Again, I laughed so hard during this time, but they also answered some good questions.

Then Mrs. Angie Smith talked with us for just a little while. We could all tell she was a little nervous, but she did great.

We heard another speaker or two and were dismissed to go out and get some food before the evening session started back up. Most of the group went to the Cheesecake Factory...YUM! I had never even heard of fried maccaroni before, but it was delicious!

Kelly was a little surprised at the size of her lettuce wraps! They were huge!

And Erin said the salad she had was good too!

Getting supper took a little longer than expected, so we had to head back to the arena, but don't worry, we didn't forget dessert!

That picture also reminds me...on the way back we were discussing the whole GPS thing. On one hand I am so thankful for this technology on the other...I'm hoping it doesn't get me lost...or worse! On the way up, I was in a tunnel just over the bridge going into Cinncinati and my GPS told me to "Turn left now". Of course I didn't. So then, "Re-routing". It kind of reminded us of that All.state comcercial with "Mayhem". You know the one I'm talking about...

{via}

We made it back to the arena and found our way to the seats on our tickets. Section 213. I must admit, at first the height of the section made me a little uncomfortable. It was high. And I was on row A, which meant on the edge. I did get used to it after a few minutes, but I did want to borrow this picture from Kelly, you can kind of see the edge right infront of Holly and I.

And here is Holly and sweet Lainey. Let me just say, Lainey was such a jewel the whole conference. She was passed around and we all held her and played with her and she was just so happy and laid back. I did hear her cry one time the whole weekend, but really didn't even know it was a cry! She is one precious girl!

What were we dancing to? Friday night wrapped up with a Mary Mary concert.

Kelly had offerred me a space at the hotel with the girls from her church, but the hotel had some overbooking issues and I was really concerned about driving alone in downtown Columbus after the whole "re-routing" incident in Cincy. So Erin invited me back to her house and I went there with her, Holly and Amber. I wish I had gotten to spend more time with Kelly and her group, but I am glad I made that decision.

Leaving the arena, Erin and I had a little encounter with "Mayhem". The GPS and her directions were conflicting a little, there was roadwork, I hate driving after dark anyway and we were downtown on a busy Friday night. We took a couple of wrong turns, but finally ended up being where we needed to be. I sighed a big sigh of relief knowing I would not have to do this alone the next night because I was going back to Erin's and going to leave my car there.

We got to Erin's, played with the puppies and her husband got to meet Lainey, but we didn't stay up too late. We were all tired and so we went to bed anxious for the next day!

(This post has become ridiculously long, so a separate post for Saturday it is!)

Women of Faith - I made it!

2011-05-03T22:14:00.001-04:00

So after fighting all those thoughts I did it! Before this weekend, the furthest I have ever driven alone would probably be 2 to 2 1/2 hours. But this weekend, I drove the 5 plus hours to Columbus!

BUT- If I never hear the word "re-routing" again it will be too soon!

The weather stayed clear (with the exception of when I was driving through Cincinnati) and then I had the view of this partial rainbow for over a hour!

Erin called me when I was about a hour away and it really started to sink in. I made it to her house at around 8:30 (I think) and we hugged and talked. Her and her husband (and their lovely doggies) made me feel so welcome! We talked about our babies and our lives. I must say, it was quite a relief to talk in person to some one who "gets it". I didn't have to wonder if she was judging me and my grief. She is where I am. We were there together. I found myself in those moments of relief once again that I had when I first discovered the blog world and the loss moms who made it a home away from home.

It never ceases to amaze me how God brings people into our lives.

And I truely feel He brought all of us together to carry each other's burdens.

He knew we could not walk this road alone.

(I'll post about the first day of the conference tomorrow!)

Women of Faith - Getting There was Half the Battle

2011-05-01T22:33:00.000-04:00

{via}

(I'm about to be very transparent and honest here...just warning you...it took some guts to get some of this down on "paper")

Last year, Kelly had a giveaway for a ticket for Women of Faith in Columbus and although I didn't win, the winner found out she could not attend and Kelly asked me if I wanted to go. I desperately wanted to go, but just could not make it with my work schedule and the 5 hour drive. God had better plans. So this year when Kelly had the giveaway again, I entered and prayed that if it was God's plan for me to go, I would win this giveaway. And I remember thinking that if I won the giveaway, there was nothing keeping me from Columbus! So when Kelly did the drawing and I won...I made plans right away to get to Columbus, to Women of Faith...and nothing was going to stop me.

Let me just tell you that saying that then was a lot easier then saying that the week of the event. When we are about to be blessed, the devil tries every way that he can to take that blessing from us or make us doubt God's gifts. The conversations we have with ourselves probably talk us out of so many blessings. And they almost talked me out of mine.

Now, I should probably let you in on something I have been a little relunctant to share on this blog. A few of you know, but I have really not wanted to share in fears of the reprocussions toward the adoption process at this moment.

Last week I got a pink slip. My grant is ending and the grant we were hoping would supplement is not being funded this year. On Monday it was pretty much confirmed that my current position will no longer be funded after June.

Just like that I was having to decide if I should make this trip or not. Guilt began to invade my mind and thoughts like, "How could you spend that gas money when you know you aren't going to have a job soon?" and accusations like, "You are so selfish to be going out of town when so much has to be done for the adoption."

Then, lies from the enemy began to try and take over. I always knew men struggled with their identity when they were laid off from a job or fired, but I never thought I would have those same thoughts. Thoughts like, "They just don't like you" and "You're not good enough". And of course all the "If only" thoughts. "If only I hadn't been on leave for 6 weeks after both my losses, they would try to keep me on" and "If only I hadn't chosen to go to a shorter contract to try and get pregnant..."

Please don't stop reading there...I have to explain that I know that all of these are untrue and that my work family are compassionate, caring people. They have been so supportive after my losses and I know if it were in their power, things would be different. And I also must say that I knew three years ago that this was a possibility. I was hired through a three year federal grant with the hopes of finding alternate funding at the end of the cycle. The reason this is so much harder right now is because of the adoption. Worst case scenario, we could still be denied. Best case scenario, we have to pay a fee and change our homestudy. When I know where I will be going from here, we will know more, but I do ask for your prayers.

Anyway, Women of Faith...

I made up my mind that I was still going. I was going to borrow my mom's car (it gets WAY better gas milage than our Jeep) to save on gas money and I was going to go. I had a feeling God was going to bless me and I wasn't going to let a little thing like loosing my job stop me :)

Then more lies started to invade my thoughts. "There is no way you are going to make it safely driving that far by yourself. You will get lost, break down or worse." And then I realized something. This same realization struck me about a week before I moved into my first dorm room. As exciting as that was and as Women of Faith was there was one part about it that made me a little relunctant...all the women.

I know that may sound funny, but some of you know what I am talking about. I grew up with two brothers. I had a half sister, but she only lived with us for a short while. Girls in school always perplexed me at the petty things that would ruin a friendship and how cruel they could be to each other. I know now that when girls want to bully, it often isn't physical, it is through words and exclusion. So the thought of being surrounded by that many women all weekend took me back to the feeling of thinking of living with a bunch of them in a college dorm.

And again, lies started to come. "They aren't going to like you" "You are not as (fill in the blank...pretty, confident, spiritual, fun...) as all the other ladies"

These thoughts were the hardest to dismiss, especially with the recent set back in confidence from the pink slip (which, by the way, isn't pink at all).

You see, not only was I just attending a Women's Conference, I was attending it with some pretty awesome ladies. The women of Sufficient Grace Ministries, including Kelly and Holly and I was also going to meet Erin. On top of that we were going to try to meet Angie Smith! Whew! How could I compare to these ladies? They are awesome, world changing women! Kelly started Sufficient Grace, Holly is one of the most caring bloggers out there and has shared her story with so many (and she does SO good at remembering everyone's special dates!) and Erin is changing policy for the benefit of mother's who experince stillbirth. Wow. I am amazed at these women. And I'm sure that most of you are familiar with Angie Smith.

But as excited as I was for the opportunity to hear and meet Angie, I was even more excited to meet these other three ladies. They are such great role models and they are using their grief and experienced in such great ways and reacing out and inspiring.

And I might have been a little nervous because they are the first people I was ever going to meet in real life that I met on the internet...again something I would have rolled my eyes at five years ago.

When the day came that I was going to leave, I was still wondering if it was too late to back out. But I didn't. I packed up and left on Thursday afternoon and drove the slightly over 5 hour trip North to Columbus, Ohio.

And boy am I glad I did!

(More on Women of Faith coming soon with lots of pictures!)

Jakin's Due Date

2011-04-21T18:37:00.000-04:00

Today was Jakin's due date. It seems like such a long time ago that he was born.

We spent the day making all kinds of donations. First we took some hangers to the pregnancy center. They have just switched out their clothes in the baby boutique from winter to summer and needed some hangers.

Then we went to the funeral home to donate the books we have been collecting for the Grief Resource Lending Library. We started this venture after Jakin left us. In leui of flowers we asked that friends and family donate to the lending library we would be starting. After almost 5 months, we made the first actual donation of books and found out they have quite a bit more money for us to access and supply the library with books and resources. Idealy, this will be a place that people who are grieving can go and borrow a book. We donated 30 books today!

Inside each book, there is a dedication:

Then we went to the regional hospital and donated 4 more care packages for parent's who deliver their baby stillborn. This is the third or fourth time we have taken these packages. The nurse there said that they (the nurses) really appreciate having these to give the patients. She said they gave the last one they had away 2 days ago.

Next, Ben wanted to donate blood. He usually does it every couple of months so we stopped by the blood center and he donated.

Then on to the last donation of the day. My hair. This is the 5th time I have donated my hair and I was so excited to do it. I had planned on doing it after Jakin was born. I have donated shortly after each of my babies have been born. Here is the before shot of the back...

And here is the after:

It will look much nicer when I get to dry it and fix it (and my eyes are open...sheesh...I wish I could take a decent photo!). I will send it in to Locks of Love tomorrow! (If you are interested in donating your hair as well, you can also look into Pantene's Beautiful Lengths program. They make wigs for cancer patients.)

We are all at home now and getting ready to get settled in for a family night. We're thinking of grilling and watching a funny video. Thanks to everyone who linked up my last post to remind us of something funny. We appreciate the thoughts and prayers and laughter!

A Week of Laughter

2011-04-14T00:05:00.001-04:00

Jakin's due date is one week from today. If you remember, his name (Jakin Isaac), means "God will establish Laughter". We believe that promise still stands. I tend to be a very serious person. I believe being a social worker with a probation/parole officer as a husband has really not helped this :-) But I do believe God wants me to lighten up and is using Jakin to make me focus on having a light heart and finding the funny in this very hurtful life. You see, despite our losses and grief, we believe God will establish laughter in our lives. Because he tells us, "A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22. And one thing that you can suffer from after loosing two children in a matter of 14 months is "dry bones". So I need some good "medicine" this week!

I need you help though! At the end of this post is a linky to link up to. What should you link? Posts to funny stories, jokes (clean ones only please), funny videos, photos, anything that makes you laugh. Make a list of the funniest movies you've ever seen or tell the story of the first time you laughed after your losses. I remember that time distinctly after both of mine. You can also feel free to leave a joke on my facebook page or share some funnies with all your friends on fb! It would give me no deeper joy this week than to know laughter was being established this week around the world becuase of you...because of him.

I am humbly asking that you all help spread some laughter around our community over the next week in memory of my littlest boy. If there is one thing that all of our lives are lacking, it's laughter. And with what we have all been through, that is totally understandable.

Laughter is a precious gift. This is something we most dearly realize after being grieved so deeply.
Thank you all for remembering him this week. I know I would have had to had a repeat c-section, so he would have born anytime this week more than likely. Thanks for all the extra love and prayers you have already sent!

Book Review: Lazarus Awakening

2011-04-09T16:12:00.001-04:00

I was given the amazing opportunity to review Lazarus Awakening by Joanna Weaver for the blog tour. I really didn't know what to expect when the book arrived in the mail and put off starting it for a few days. But when I did start it, I couldn't put it down! Here is a little about the book, Joanna, my review and a blog party with a Kind.le giveaway!

About the book: Lazarus Awakening

Getting God’s Love from Our Heads to Our Hearts

You believe that God loves the world…but sometimes you wonder if He truly loves you.
For many of us, moving the truth of God’s love from our heads to our hearts is a lifelong process. As we consider our inadequacies or grieve our shattered dreams, we find it difficult to believe that God cares for us personally.

In this life-giving book, Joanna Weaver shows you how to embrace the truth that Jesus loves you apart from anything you accomplish, apart from anything you bring. Just as He called Lazarus forth to new life, Jesus wants to free you to live fully in the light of His love, unbound from the graveclothes of fear, regret, and self-condemnation.

Love is calling your name.

Combining unforgettable real-life illustrations with unexpected biblical insights, Joanna Weaver invites you to experience a spiritual resurrection that will forever change your understanding of what it means to be the one Jesus loves.

About Joanna:

Joanna Weaver is known the world over for her transparent and life-changing books, Having A Mary Heart in a Martha World and Having a Mary Spirit. These two books have sold over a million copies and have been translated into several languages including Spanish, French, Dutch, Chinese, German, Korean and more. Joanna has appeared on a wide variety of nationally syndicated radio and television broadcasts. Past appearances include: The Harvest Show, At Home Live With Chuck & Jenni, Midday Connection, HomeWord, and Janet Parschall’s America. She is also a highly sought after speaker and shares her message at intimate gatherings and several high profile events each year. But Joanna's greatest joy is found in being a wife and mother and her role as a pastor’s wife. For more information about Joanna, please visit her website. www.joannaweaverbooks.com.

My Review

This book was more than I expected. I have studied the story of Lazarus many times, but every time I have really focused on the sisters. What was it like for Mary and Martha. They sent word to their savior friend, "The one you love is sick." And waited. Then their loved one died. They knew Jesus. They were friends and yet he waited two more days to come to them. Yes, I often relate to the sisters. Grieving and questioning while still loving the one who could have prevented it all. Joanna writes, "These difficult times-these dark nights of the soul-rattle our convictions and shake the foundations of our faith". I know so many that when their foundations were shaken, they really understood the rock that it was, or sadly, their foundation was showed not to be on the rock at all.

In this book, I really began to think more about Lazarus. What were the first moments in that tomb like? Joanna has such imagary that I was smiling through my tears as I read the possibilities and about the joy and laughter that would more than likely filled his life after being raised. That's right, joy and laughter. If you are a follower of this blog, you know how much those two words mean to me. Especially when they are seen together. And in this book, Joanna discusses the laughter and joy that probably over flowed from Lazarus after death no longer had a hold on him. For Lazarus, there was no more fear in death, he had been there. God had conquered it and he had nothing to fear. I can't even begin to imagine the joy and laughter that could have filled his life. This chapter in particular was one of my favorites.

Overall, I thought this book was a great book and I plan on reading it again and referring it to friends!

About the giveaway:

Joanna is celebrating the release of Lazarus Awakening with the Heart of God KINDLE Giveaway!

In Lazarus Awakening Joanna writes about getting God’s love from our heads to our hearts. We all know Jesus loved Mary – look how she worshiped. And we can understand why He loved Martha – after all, look how she served. But what about those of us who don’t know where we fit in the heart of God? Lazarus Awakening explores the tale of the third follower – Mary and Martha’s brother, Lazarus. We never hear him speak, we never see him serve. The only thing of any significance that Lazarus did was to die. And yet, the Bible is clear. Jesus loved Lazarus. And He loves you and me as well. Lazarus Awakening looks at different aspects of the story we find in John 11. We learn what it means to be a friend of God and begin recognizing the tombs we spend far too much time in. Find out more here.

One grand prize winner will receive:

* * A Brand New KINDLE with Wi-Fi
* * Having A Mary Heart in a Martha World
* * Having A Mary Spirit
* * Lazarus Awakening

If You Met Me...

2011-04-08T23:01:00.002-04:00

It's that time again! Five Minute Friday with Gypsy Mama! Just read the rules then hop over and link up to be entered into her giveaway!

Here's the rules:

Got five minutes? Let’s write. Let’s write in shades of real and true and unscripted.

Let’s just write and not worry if it’s just right or not.

1. Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Go leave some comment props for the five minuter who linked up before you.

Today's prompt:

If you met me...

GO!

If you met me today, you would probably notice a few things about me. You might notice the wrinkles beside my eyes make me look a little older than what I am. I am pretty sure you would see that I am not some one who spends much time infront of a mirror getting ready in the morning...and hopefully it wouldn't take you long to realize that is because I would rather be cuddling with my little boy or catching up with a friend.

If you met me, you would probably hear me mention my babies. All my babies. The one in my arms, the two in Heaven and the one on the other side of the world. You would probably learn more about Korean adoption than you were planning on learning for the day. I hope you would feel a new passion for reaching out to orphans after our conversation.

If you met me, I would hope that you feel that you are being heard and know I care about you and want to learn who you are and what your passions are. If you met me, be prepared to answer some questions...I can't help it...I'm a social worker!

If you met me...more than anything...I hope you would leave our meeting knowing that God loves you. I hope that you would know I am a Christian and that if you need anything, you could call me. And if I couldn't physically help you myself, I would find a way to meet your needs as best I could.

In summary, if you met me, I hope you would feel one thing: Love.

STOP!

Now...go link up!

2nds for Shyla - Creative Joy - 19 months

2011-04-02T09:15:00.000-04:00

On the 2nd of every month (Shyla's Day) I want to share some creative things with you that make me smile. Her name means Creative Joy and I want to take these days to appreciate the Creative things that bring me Joy.

Today I want to share some Creative Joy that makes me smile (and cry a little too). These are some of the pages of one of Shyla's scrapbooks. This was a hard one to make...but I'm so glad I did. These memories are precious and I'm so glad I have these to cherish.

These are just the pages up until her birth. I will share the ones from that day and other pages later.

{The Cover}

{Positive}

{Making the Announcement}

{First Ultrasound}

{2nd Ultrasound}

{One of the only family photos with all of us together. Under the Survivor Tree in Oklahoma City.}

{3rd Ultrasound. 20 weeks 4 days.}

{Shyla's Heartbeat}

The most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.

~Helen Keller

A Few of my Favorite Things...

2011-04-01T12:15:00.002-04:00

I'm linking up with Five Minute Fridays...here are the rules:

1. Write for only five minutes. Don’t edit. Don’t over think. Don’t stifle your creativity.

2. Link back to the Gypsy Mama and invite others to join in.
3. Go leave some comment love for the five minuter who linked up before you.
It’s invigorating; give it a try and see.

Today's topic is "A few of my favorite things"

And...GO!

Some of my favorite things are the most ordinary things. And some extraordinary. A stained glass dragonfly, a smile from an almost three year old blondie, getting to bed at a decent hour, and seeing the dogwoods in bloom. I find myself smiling more at the kindness of a stranger and an unexpected email from a friend. Seeing 7 young people give their life to Christ at Sunday's church service and 135 more souls change their eternal address at a play on Tuesday night. My favorite things make me smile (and sometimes cry) but that's ok. These things are all Heaven sent and keep me chugging along when the skies are gray and the grief presses in.

Thank you, Lord, For my favorite things!

Stop.

I'm also linking up with Friday Favorite Things at Finding Joy!

Saturday Snapshot

2011-03-26T18:37:00.000-04:00

It seems I need a blog hop to keep me posting around here right now! I found this blog hop over at Smallbird Studio and thought I would participate this week. To participate, just hop on over to Yellow Songbird and link up a snapshot!

Some of you follow my 365 blog and I shared this there too (hence the watermark from that site) , but I just love when I get a little signs from above. I'd been having a rather emotional week. Last Sunday, we missed church, but went to visit with my mom and grandmother later in the day. It was such a beautiful day, we walked around outside and then I noticed this little heart in a tree Ben had cut down for my mom.

Little hearts remind me of Jakin and always make me smile. I love finding God's love for us in the mundane, everyday parts of life. I love how the beautiful nature that God created can't help but show his love for us!

Five Minute Friday- waking up

2011-03-25T23:14:00.001-04:00

Five minute Friday topic:

waking up

I'm typing today's 5 minute Friday from my i.pod, so forgive the typos and brevity in advance :)

Today's topic is wakin up.

When we first lost Shyla, I was in a fog for a long time. Then, slowly, I began to wake up. I woke up to a life that I never imagined I would ever have. I woke up to all the things that can happen during pregnancy. But I also some up to the amazing support of women like me and for the resources these women provide. On the other hand, I also woke up to the terrible lack of resources for loss moms in hospitals and in real life.

Waking up to these reAlities made me want to do something about it.

That is all the time I have for this topic today!

To link up with 5 minute Fridays, check ou the button on the right sidebar.

Establishing Laughter

2011-03-24T06:31:00.001-04:00

Our littlest of babies, Jakin Isaac was born November 24, 2009 at 18 weeks 6 days. 4 months ago today.
On the 24th of every month, I want to share things that make us laugh. Photos, videos, jokes and anything else that has made us laugh lately.

Why laugh on a sad day?

Jakin Isaac's name means "God will Establish Laughter". And he we believe he will. God WILL establish laughter in our lives. He gave us that promise when He gave us this name for Jakin.

So today, enjoy these church bulletin funnies that I found here. I've seen some of these before, but they always make me giggle. I can't believe these were really printed in real church bulletins!

******************

*Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

*Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

*Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

*For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

*The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

*This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

*Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

*Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

*Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

*This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

*The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

*Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

*The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

*A bean supper well be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

*At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

*The Reverend Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

*The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

*During the absence of our pastor we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Scubbs supplied our pulpit.

*The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

*Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

*The Associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I upped my pledge - up yours!"

*Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

*The choir will meet at the Larsen home for fun and sinning.

*A song fest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.

*The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

*Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.

*Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

*Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

*The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her.

*Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1pm-8pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

*Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

*The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

*Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

*The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

*Evening massage -- 6 p.m.

*The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

*The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

*Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

*Ushers will eat latecomers.

*The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

*Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

*22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, 'The Lord Knows Why.'

*The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

*Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to Church secretary.

*8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones.

*Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

The Little Things

2011-03-19T11:19:00.001-04:00

It's the little things that bring joy and hope lately. I'm picking up where I left off last month in counting the things that bring me hope. Things that make me happy. Small Miracles. Things that might be normal or routine if we don't take the time to notice them for what they are.
I've also included some photos from my 365 blog.

11."Good Morning" kisses from a sleepy three year old.

12. The first flowers of spring.

13. Packages containing needed materials for a special project in memory of a very special little boy.

14. A day of sunshine after what feels like a month of rain.

15. Having lunch with old friends.

16. Getting an unexpected butterfly for Jakin.

17. Hubs coming home after a week away.

18. Finding some awesome educational books for Ethan for $1 each!

19. Seeing Ethan enjoying $1 books!

20. Seeing progress be made in the adoption!

I'm linking up this list of what brings me hope and joy with the Small Miracles blog hop and Happy Saturdays Blog Hop!

On Waiting

2011-03-18T20:23:00.000-04:00

I ran across this Five Minute Friday blog hop and I thought I would give it a try today. I feel like I have had so much to say lately, but didn't have the words to say it. So here goes. Five minutes. And the topic for this week is waiting...

The Gypsy Mama says:

This is the place where once a week we take the chance to just write, and not worry if it’s just right or not.

For five minutes flat.

Here’s how the game works: you simply stop, drop and write. Set your words free. Don’t edit them, don’t fret over them, don’t try to make them perfect.

This weeks topic...

On Waiting

This could not have been a better topic if I had chosen in myself! Waiting seems to be a large part of our life right now. April is just around the corner and I am waiting for Jakin's due date to roll around. I'm trying to make plans to celebrate his life and the wait of the day is almost too much some times. I can't believe I am looking at another due date with no baby. Celebrating a short life instead of a happy birth. Grief can be exhausting.

Another area of waiting has been in the adoption. The theme of the past two weeks have been "hurry up and wait" and "just waiting on that email or phone call before I can...". But we got great news! The finances have worked out and I shared some other news on the adoption blog. Funny thing. I have written twice lately about waiting! And still being this early in the process I am sure I will right more about the wait before we get to bring our little one home.

Waiting. I guess the biggest thing is that I emphasis that waiting, all waiting, in pain and joy, is in Hope. We wait in Hope with the Lord that he will supply ALL our needs according to HIS riches and glory. Not ours. So again. I will echo...

We wait in hope!

Remembering St. Patrick

2011-03-17T21:26:00.000-04:00

(via)

"Christ beside me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ within me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me."
~St. Patrick

Bring Hope Home

2011-03-04T17:23:00.001-05:00

I'm at it again :-)

Yup, I started another blog. I began to feel a little guilty about talking so much on this blog about the adoption and fundraisers. You all area wonderful commentors and readers and I don't want to bombard you with fundraisers when that is not the reason you came here. If you found me through a loss blog, the last thing I want to do is to seem like I am taking advantage of your being here. I will be posting more about the progress of the adoption on another blog and the fundraisers and such. We are so excited and so blessed to be welcoming another child into our family and please feel free to follow our journey over there as well.

I will still post some here about the adoption journey or at least direct you over there when major progress is made.

So...if you so choose, head on over to Bring Hope Home and leave me some love letting me know you've been there. The blog is still a work in progress, but I don't plan on spending much time on blog design...SO SO SO much more to do!!!

2nds for Shyla - Creative Joy - 18 months

2011-03-02T21:01:00.000-05:00

2nd's are for Shyla! Since our girl's name means "Creative Joy", every 2nd of the month I want to share Creative things that I like and bring me joy.

Today I wanted to share some of the things I have been making to sell in my etsy shop. I have never been a very girly girl, but when I learned we would be having a girl, I became emersed in all things pink and frilly.

So far, I have just done some flower headbands, clips and pins. Any of these flowers can be attached to a crocheted headband, a satin headband, a stretchy headband or a pin backing to be worn as a broach. What do you think?

Let Freedom Ring!

2011-03-01T07:03:00.001-05:00

Happy Korean Independence Day!

Establishing Laughter

2011-02-24T20:00:00.001-05:00

It's been three months today since Jakin Isaac was born. His name means "God Will Establish Laughter" so we hope to post something on the 24th of every month that makes us laugh and hopefully bring a little laughter into your day. There is just not enough laughter in this world!

Here is a clip from one of Ethan's favorite things to watch...America.s Funn.iest Home Vi.deos...

MISS Article

2011-02-23T22:45:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to share this wonderful article about Dr. Joanne Cacciatore of the MISS Foundation. It describes the grief of a parent so well. I love how she says it is "folded into who we are". Please take a moment to read the article and pass it on to others. Education is key to breaking the taboo subject of death, grief and the loss of a child.
(Click the link above to go to the pdf of the article).

Rows for Remembrance

2011-02-21T05:38:00.000-05:00

Shaina is a sweet mama I have had the pleasure of meeting long ago before we both experienced loss. She has just started a new outreach for loss moms and I wanted to share it with you. It's called Rows for Remembrance. This is what Shaina says about her new ministry...

I want to minister to families who have had a miscarriage, or suffered the death of a baby while pregnant. Sadly, I know several women who fit this niche, and I know there are thousands more out there. I want to give them a blanket, an "unfinished blanket", to represent their babies sweet lives.

Each blanket will have rows that represent the weeks of their little ones lives. Our blankets will start out with a specified amount of rows (20) and then will have an additional row for every week that you carried your baby. If you had a miscarriage at eight weeks, like me, then your blanket will be 28 rows long. If you had a baby born sleeping at 34 weeks, then your blanket will be 54 weeks. Each row signifies those memories you have of your sweet babe.

Shaina has asked for help too. If you can knit or crochet, she is asking for some help. So go over and visit her blog and leave her some kind comments while you are there!

H.O.P.E.

2011-02-18T19:19:00.000-05:00

(via)

I know I have mentioned how I feel like my life is separated into Acts. Act I was my life before September 2, 2009. Act 2 is after. During the first act of my life, HOPE was not something I really thought about all that much. There are some really beautiful songs about HOPE. "My Hope is in You" by Third Day and "Only Hope" by Switchfoot come to mind. I knew some scriptures about hope. "...faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love" and "hope deferred makes the heart sick". And I heard people use it as a word to describe something that might not happen. "I hope we can make it to the gas station without running out of gas."

In the "Act 2" of my life, HOPE has taken on a completely new meaning. It's no longer a word to throw out like "maybe" or just a pretty sounding word. HOPE is everything. God is my only HOPE. God is my everything. He alone provides the strength, joy and laughter to get through the good and bad days alike. He alone sends me glimpses of my babies. Assuring me they are safe and happy and experiencing Him like I can only dream. Sometimes the dreams so real that I swear He has wisked me away to some secret place. Not just dreams while I sleep, but when I see them in my minds eye...when I visit their graves...when Ethan speaks of them...when I hold their blankets and say their sweet names. Act 2 gives me the strength to say as Job did, "Though he slay me, yet I will hope in Him" (Job 13:15)

And now, it seems like I am entering a new time in my life yet again. Act 2, Scene 2 is all about HOPE. As we began this adoption journey (actually long before) we decided our little girl's middle name would be Hope. Because God is faithful. This time in our lives we say, "We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upin us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:20-22

What a gift HOPE is. What a gift Hope will be!

I've decided as a part of the little miracles blog hop, I will start listing the things that give me HOPE. Since today is the first installment of this blog hop...let's just start with the number 1....

Things that bring me HOPE...
1. a sunrise
2. the smile of a child
3. Hearing the sweetest little boy I know learn to spell his first word..."H.O.P.E. Hope!" he screams from the other room. Yes, son, Hope!
4. seeing a baptism
5. a fresh rain
6. Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
7. my husband's embrace.
8. Rainbows
9. Strong mama's
10. innocent eyes

Lovely Giveaway Winners

2011-02-15T08:26:00.000-05:00

Here are the winners of the giveaways I hosted! If you are one of the winners, please contact me as soon as possible so I can get these great items shipped to you! Please email me at the email address on the left sidebar.

The winner of this LOVE charm from My Forever Child is...

Melissa!!!

The winner of the Love Dare Cards is....

Michelle!!!

The winner of Angie Smith's book, I Will Carry You is....

KK's Mom!!!

The winner of the "I Love You" Charm from My Forever Child is...

Raquel!!!

I hope you all have felt the love over the past two weeks and are inspired to love more deeply and allow others to love you as well.

This is my command: Love each other.
John 15:17

"God’s love, though, is ever and always, eternally present to all who fear him, Making everything right for them and their children"
Psalm 103:17

Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance.
Jude 1:2

What Love Really Means ~ Day 14 + Giveaway!

2011-02-14T10:00:00.008-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day you lovely ladies!!!

Today, we are going to visit TWO bloggers!

Natasha is Aiden's mom. I'm new to Natasha's story, but I can tell by her blog she is a loving mama and wants to touch the heart of others. When Natasha saw what going going on with all these LOVE posts, she wanted to join in! Be sure to enter her GIVEAWAY while you are there! Natasha's giveaway is sponsored by Kristi at Bugaboo Jewelry.

We are also visiting Melissa. Melissa is mommy to a son here on earth and Mikayla Grace in Heaven. Melissa has just started a project called Mikayla's Grace to reach out to bereaved families. Go visit Melissa and show her some love today as well!

And don't forget to come back here tomorrow to see who won the giveaways I hosted!!!

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And I have two great posts for you to check out today (or tomorrow if you are spending time with the ones you love today ;-)

Kelly at Sufficient Grace Ministries is doing a study on the book, Lies Women Believe and has a great post today about women at a helpmate and some revealing truths. Please go over and see what she has to say.

Also Ann Voskamp at A Holy Experience has a great post about love and a link-up about love. Go over and read some of her beautiful posts!

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I also just wanted to show a little love to my hubs. Seven years ago today we met while decorating a church for the Sweetheart Banquet that would be held there to raise money for missions. My dorm neighbor attended this church and it was my hubs home church. We met that day and one month later started dating and were married a little less than 2 years later.

I love that man with all my heart and feel so blessed to be forever joined with him. He is a wonderful Father to ALL our children.

I am blessed.

What Love Really Means ~ Day 13 + Giveaway!

2011-02-13T10:00:00.013-05:00

Today we are visiting Jennifer. Jennifer is mama to three beautiful kids here with her and Eli in Heaven. Jennifer has been so kind to link to the posts in the LoveFest everyday! She is a mama with a heart of gold. Please go by and see what love really means to her as well as show her some love!

But first...be sure to enter my GIVEAWAY!!!

Today's giveaway is donated by Sue at My Forever Child!

Sue is donating this beautiful charm...

To be entered into the giveaway, all you need to do is visit the My Forever Child store and then come back here and leave a comment to what your favorite item in the store is.

I hope you all have a lovely day!

What Love Really Means ~ Day 12 + Giveaway!

2011-02-12T10:00:00.002-05:00

Today we are going to go visit Megan at A Story Unfolding. Megan is mommy to three beautiful kids here with her and Savannah in Heaven. Sweet Savannah was born with CDH (Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia). To learn more about CDH click here. Megan also could use a few more hugs right now after just experiencing a chemical pregnancy and the hopes of another baby for right now.

While you are visiting Megan, be sure to enter her GIVEAWAY!

And be sure to enter the other giveaways here on this blog by the 14th and visit again on the 15th to see the list of winners!

What Love Really Means ~ Day 11 + Giveaway!

2011-02-11T10:00:00.002-05:00

Wow! Is it the 11th already?

Today we are going to see Jill. Jill is mama to Emma and Chase in Heaven and her beautiful rainbow here on earth. Jill has a big heart and reaches out to other loss moms with her project Vermont Angels. Please go visit Jill and read what she has to say about what love really means to her.

Also, be sure to enter her GIVEAWAY!

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I got this email in my inbox the other day about love being a verb and I just wanted to share. The email is from Jill Savage, a speaker from the Hearts at Home organization. She spoke at my church at a MOPS conference a few years ago and really has heart for wives and mothers.

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My friend and I sat across the table chatting over lunch.
With February being the "month of love," we began to discuss our plans (or lack of plans at that point) for Valentine's Day weekend. Eventually we moved into sharing some marriage lessons we've learned throughout our combined 45 years of marriage.

Without thinking much of it, I shared that I've learned that love has to mature for a marriage to go the distance. And then I followed that with, "I guess love has to move from being a noun to being a verb."

We both paused and considered the implications of that. My friend said it was one of the most profound things I've ever said. While I'm quite sure it's most likely the only profound thing I've ever said, I've definitely not been able to get the concept out of my head.

Immature love is a noun. A thing we long for. A feeling. An expectation of what someone will do for us.

Mature love is verb. An action we take. A decision. A choice to do something for someone else.

Unfortunately too many of us have yet to mature in our love, and our relationships bear the scars of that fact. But it's never too late to grow up. If we want our love to last a lifetime, we can't afford to keep believing that love is a noun. The feeling of love is short-lived. We have to transition to understanding that long-lasting love is really a verb.

But what does this English lesson of nouns and verbs have to do with real relationships? How do we take this concept and apply it to real life? Maybe these scenarios can help paint the picture.

Love as a noun spent all last week wondering what your spouse was going to do for you for Valentine's Day. Love as a verb spent all last week preparing your expression of love for your spouse.

Love as a noun feels despair when you no longer feel "in love" with the person you are married to. Love as a verb understands the ebb and flow of feelings. It focuses more on expressing love than feeling love.

Love as a noun demands its own way. Love as a verb works to understand differences and is open to new ways of doing things.

Love as a noun finds faults in others. Love as a verb gives grace and forgiveness.

Love as a noun expects others to serve them. Love as a verb serves freely.

Love as a noun expects to always feel warm and fuzzy and "in love." Love as a verb realizes that often we have to choose to love even when we don't feel like it.

The most frequently quoted Bible verse at weddings is I Corinthians 13, which is often referred to as the "love chapter." It says that "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

It wasn't until just a few weeks ago that I realized that every time love is mentioned in this often quoted verse, it is a verb. Maybe this concept has been right in front of my eyes all along, but I just didn't understand it until recently.

The most interesting thing, however, is a less often quoted part of the verse that says, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."

So love has to grow up. It has to mature. Who knew grammar could reveal so much about love?

Jill

Wife of Mark
Mom to Anne, Evan, Erica, Kolya, and Austin
Nana to 9-month-old Rilyn

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Thanks for dropping by!

What Love Really Means ~ Day 10 + Giveaway!

2011-02-10T10:00:00.002-05:00

Good Morning! Go over and visit Katy today! Katy is momma to Hannah and rainbow in Heaven as well as a precious little boy and rainbow baby girl here on earth. Katy makes some beautiful creations for loss moms and is part of the group at Anchored by Hope. Anchored by Hope does an online Bible study in relation to loss and has some other great loss resources.

While you're there...be sure to enter her GIVEAWAY!

And remember...

(via)

What Love Really Means ~ Day 9 + Giveaway!

2011-02-09T10:00:00.004-05:00

Today we are visiting Jessica! Jessica is mom to Jonathan and Little One in Heaven and has a beautiful rainbow here with her as well. Jessica creates Forever Remembered Photo Collages in memory of our babies. She does such beautiful work. Please go over and send her some love today!

While you're there, be sure to enter her GIVEAWAY!!!

(And don't forget to enter the giveaways from the last 8 days as well here on this blog!

Love and Hugs!

What Love Really Means ~ Day 8 + Giveaway!

2011-02-08T10:00:00.003-05:00

Today we are going to visit Marie. Marie has two beautiful children in Heaven, Alyssa-Joy and Evan and she is now pregnant with her rainbow! Marie always shares her feelings and has always been so encouraging in her comments. She is standing on God's promise of an expected end after experiencing two losses, IC, having a TAC and a subsequent pregnancy. Please go by and show her some love today!

But first...be sure to enter my GIVEAWAY!!!

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Marriage is a gift and needs to be invested in and protected. Today's giveaway is for something to help you invest a little time into your marriage!

The Love Dare Cards contain 40 daily dares based on the movie and book, Fireproof.

There are three ways to enter this giveaway! Just leave a comment for one each of these...

(1) How you and your significant other met.
(2) What was your first date with your spouse?
(3) How long you have been married.

Thats it! I'll choose a winner randomly on February 15th!

I also wanted to share some great marriage resources...

Fire Proof My Marriage is a great website based on the Fireproof book and movie that has some wonderful links and other things. It has advice for couples, churches and even a marraige help line.

Focus on the Family Marraige and Relationships site has an abundance of info, podcasts, and articles.

The Five Love Languages Test. This site is where you can take the love language quiz and have your spouse take it too. Find out how your loved ones feel loved so you can love them more fully. There is also a quiz for kids!

Have a LOVELY day!

What Love Really Means ~ Day 7 + Giveaway!

2011-02-07T10:00:00.003-05:00

Today we are going to go see Kelly at Sufficient Grace Ministries! Kelly is one sweet mama with a love for other mama's, babies, and marriage. I'm very excited that I get to meet Kelly in April at the Women of Faith Conference in Columbus! Kelly has three babies in Heaven. Faith, Grace, and Thomas and has such beautiful words to say about each of them. Please go by and show her some love and see what love means to her!

While you are there...be sure to enter her GIVEAWAY! She is giving away two amazing CD's today. One of them I listen to all the time and is one of my current favorites!

This first 7 days has been love filled and I just can't wait to see what the next 7 hold!

What Love Really Means ~ Day 6 + Giveaway!

2011-02-06T10:00:00.027-05:00

Good Morning Loves!

Today we are going to visit Heidi. Heidi is one crafty mama! I met Heidi on a baby.center board when we both lost our babies that were due in November of 2009. Heidi's daughter, Jamie Lynn, was diagnosed before birth with a fatal condition. Heidi decided to carry Jamie as long as she could and she met her beautiful daughter in October of 2009. Heidi is also mom to three boys and has her rainbow due this month! Please go over and visit Heidi and see what love means to her. Also check out her beautiful embroidery she can do!

Please also take a look at her outreach to loss mammas. She can embroider your baby's footprints onto a blanket. I think it's really awesome and I plan on sending her a blanket and Shyla's footprints once her baby button is here and things have settled down. Here is her daughter's blanket as an example:

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To go along with Heidi's story of carrying to term, I am giving away a copy of I Will Carry You by Angie Smith!

To enter this giveaway, leave a comment for each of these...
(1) Be a follower of this blog.
(2) Comment on Heidi's post.
(3) Tell me one of the precious things you have to carry your baby's memory.

The winner will be announced on February 15th!

What Love Really Means ~ Day 5 + Giveaways!

2011-02-05T10:00:00.004-05:00

Today we are going over to see what Lori has to say. Lori is the mommy to Matthew. I love that she and her husband both share their own story of Matthew. You can find Lori's story here and her hubby's here.
Lori also is mommy to her beautiful rainbow Luke who was just born one month ago yesterday! Please go over and show her some love and see what love means to her.

While you're there, be sure to enter her GIVEAWAY!!!

I'm sure feeling the love with all these giveaways, aren't you! Keep coming back because there is more to come!

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I also just checked my reader and saw that there is another giveaway going on today! Go over and wish KK's mom congrats for reaching 100 followers and enter her giveaway!

AND Kelly at Sufficient Grace Ministries is giving away a copy of the book The Gift of Time - Perinatal Hospice.

Much love!

What Love Really Means ~ Day 4

2011-02-04T10:00:00.003-05:00

I hope you all are feeling the love!

Today we are going to hop over to Lisette's! Lisette is mom to an adorable little boy here on Earth, her precious Sami and her conjoined twin Faith in Heaven and is carrying her rainbow baby now. Lisette is always so honest in her grief. I love that she shares what's on her heart so openly and I love all the little pink hearts on her blog. She has a beautiful soul and it just shines through!

Go over see what Lisette has to say about love!

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FREEBIE!

Go over and visit Small Bird Studio for a free Valentines Day Subway Art!

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I wanted to share another song today.

Love Never FailsBy Brandon Heath

Love is not proud

Love does not boast
Love after all
Matters the most

Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep
Locked inside

Love is the river that flows through
Love never fails you
Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease
At the end of time
Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes
When you don’t

Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you

When my heart won’t make a sound
When I can’t turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this
Greater than this

Love is right here
Love is alive
Love is the way
The truth the life

Love is the river than flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you

Love NEVER fails you. I love the idea that love is the place we will fly to. That's where they are now...love...

What Love Really Means ~ Day 3 + GIVEAWAY!!!

2011-02-03T10:00:00.001-05:00

Good Morning!

Today we are going over to Caroline's blog! Caroline is mom to four children and three step-children on Earth and three beautiful babies in Heaven, Riley, Little Muffin, and Sweet Pea. Caroline is a very special mom and shares her heart very openly on her blog. She, like so many of us balances the grief of our children not with us with the joy of those who are. I was also happy that she is doing a project 365! I started one as well this year and it's great to see another loss mom taking a photo a day to document our year!

Go over and share some love with Caroline!

But first...be sure to enter my GIVEAWAY!!!

Today, I'm giving away a LOVELY charm from My Forever Child...

The winner of this charm will be chosen at random on February 15th. The winner will also get to choose which color Swarovski Crystal you would like added to the charm!

There are a few ways to enter this giveaway...

(1) Follow this blog
(2) Follow my 365 blog, Love * Joy * Laugh 365
(3) Leave a comment about what color crystal you would like if chosen as the winner.
(4) Copy the button on my sidebar that says "What love really means" and put it on your blog.
(5) "Like" Beauty Will Rise on Face.book

You can do any of these, but please just leave a separate comment for each way to enter!

I hope February is being kind and gentle to you all!

Much Love.

2nds for Shyla - Creative Joy

2011-02-02T22:56:00.000-05:00

It's been 17 months now. I can hardly believe it.

Last month, I had the idea to post a funny video, story, or joke every 24th of the month in memory of Jakin Isaac, whose name means "God Will Establish Laughter".

Shyla's name means "Creative" and her middle name was Joy.

If I post every month on her day how I'm feeling, there will be little change from one month to another. So instead, I'm going to post something that makes me think "Creative JOY!"

Today, is February 2nd. February is of course the month of LOVE and so I thought I would share some of these great Creative ideas for Valentines Day!

Oreo Kisses! (I love these!!!)

Valentines Photo Tree

Felt Flourish Heart Wreath

Heartbreaker Valentines

What Love Really Means ~ Day 2 + Giveaway!

2011-02-02T10:00:00.004-05:00

Today the lovely Holly is sharing her heart.

Holly is the mom to two beautiful kids here on Earth and to Carliegh and Jordan in Heaven. Holly's love for her children is so apparent and the scripture on her sidebar above Carleigh's photo has always touched my heart.

I have loved you with a love that lasts forever. I have kept on loving you with faithful love. Jeremiah 31:3

Everlasting love. Beautiful.

Holly's compassion for bereaved mom's glows as her comments always make me smile and she always remembers special dates! I wish I could be as thoughtful as her! Go over and show her some love!

And while you are there, be sure to enter her GIVEAWAY!!!

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The 2nd is very special to me because it's Shyla's day. Today has been 17 months since we held her in our arms. Wishing you and yours much Creative Joy today!

What Love Really Means - Day 1 + Giveaway!!!

2011-02-01T10:00:00.040-05:00

Happy February! Today begins what I hope to be a very encouraging 14 days. Some very great bloggers have agreed to share with us what love really means to them!

Franchesca from Smallbird Studio has agreed to share with us today. Please go show her some love!

I'm sure most of you know Fran and the story of her beautiful Jenna Belle and her handsome rainbow she sweetly refers to as "Bubby". Franchesca is the face behind the design of my blog (and so many others) and she also makes the most beautiful flourishes she sells at her shop! She has a great big heart and has found ways to give back to the loss community by creating Hope Collages and giving backto the NICU with some very creative NICU projects. One of her NICU projects is collecting journals for parents whose baby is spending time in NICU. She hopes to donate 100 journals to NICU in honor of Jenna's 2nd birthday! And I have to mention the very amazing canvas art inspired by her daughter called, Jenna's Alphabet! Franchesca has shared so much of herself through these projects I hope everyone will take the time and send her love today ans she shares her heart with all of us.

If you want to learn more about how you can help with Jenna's Journal Drive, click here.

GIVEAWAY!!!

Also go visit Tiffany today and enter her awesome giveaway that is sponsored by who else...Franchesca!

One more thing...

I also wanted to share with you the inspiration behind titling this series of blog posts "What Love Really Means". It comes from the JJ Heller song by the same name. The chorus says:

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I'll become.
Who will love me for me?
'Cause no one has shown me what love, love really means.

She is answered in the last chorus by our Heavenly Father...

I will love you for you.
Not for what you have done or what you will become.
I will love you for you.
I will give you the love, the love that you never knew.

It is my hope that you will be encouraged by the lovely posts by these lovely women who have so graciously agreed to show us their hearts through their blogs. I pray you are inspired to recieve love more openly, love others more deeply and are just blessed!

If you want to spread the love and let your readers know about these lovely women, just copy the code in the sidebar!

Be sure to check back everyday from now until the 14th to see who is sharing with us! There will be lots of giveaways going on as well!

Much love,

So far, So good!

2011-01-31T21:05:00.000-05:00

I did it! I did a complete month of Project 365! I'm kind of proud that I took a photo a day for an entire month! If you want to check out my 365 blog, click here!

Also, another one of my goals for the New Year was to read the Bible in 90 days. So far, I'm doing good and am a day ahead! I'm really loving the feeling I get from reading everyday. I sure hope I can keep it up! Just 60 days to go...1/3 done!

Don't forget to check this blog once a day for the next 14 days as 14 amazing women share what love really means to them! I'm so excited to read all the posts!!!

Hope - The Anticipation of God

2011-01-29T21:59:00.004-05:00

Last Sunday, my pastor started a new series called "Hope - The Anticipation of God."

If you haven't caught on by my first post of the year. Hope is my one word for this year. It is also the middle name we want to give our little girl. It amazes me all the God winks we have been getting about the adoption process, South Korea and HOPE.

I wanted to share some of the notes from church last Sunday and hopefully the next 5 Sundays as well.

(Photo Credit)

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What is Hope?

Hope - desire accompanied by expectation. An anticipation of fullfillment. NOT wishful thinking.

A CHOSEN DESIRE. {She is chosen.}

Hope is an anticipation for good in God. Hope is not about striving, but resting and allowing His grace and His strength to take us through a "door of hope".

Hope is a perspective of an abundant life.

Hope must go from a concept, to a specific powerful virtue in your life.

Hope redefines our past.

(Photo Credit)

Hope is a lifestyle. It's where you grow to the place where you daily focus on "answers of hope, solutions of hope".

With hope- we see more with our eyes closed than we do with our eyes open.

Hope is an anticipation and belief in good from God, now and in the future.

Psalm 27:13 I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

Hope gives us the ability to look out a very long way.

And my favorite...

Hope can become part of your fiber when the unseen world becomes more real than the seen.

How many times have I said that Heaven is so real now. The unseen world (Heaven) and the seen world (Earth) are just separated by a thin veil when you have held the babies I have held and have been talking to Jesus as he ushered them into the presence of the Father. Heaven is so real.

Lamentations 3:22-24 says, "Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

Tomorrow morning, we will learn more about HOPE. This sermon couldn't have come at a better time for me. God truely knows what we need and when we need it!

A belated Thank You!

2011-01-29T13:15:00.000-05:00

I just have been overwhelmed with the love I have recieved over the past couple of weeks. You all are awesom, I just wanted to let you know that!
I have been blown away to be nominated for three blog awards!

The beautiful *M* at A Miracle 4 Us gave me for the I <3 This Blog Award!

And KK's Mom gave me the Cherry on Top award!

And then Amanda and Jamie nominated me for the Stylish Blogger Award!

If I missed anything and you have nominated me as well, a big Thank You to you too!

The conditions of these awards are pretty similar...I am suppposed to share a few things about myself then pass along the awards to a certain number of bloggers I have recently discovered. In all honesty, I have a hard time keeping up with everyone I "follow" now so I have been trying not to add too many new blogs right now. Between working, keeping up with the house, the adoption and my Project 365, my plate is pretty full!

So instead of nominating newly discovered bloggers, I'm going to cheat...but first, let me share some random facts about myself...

*I am a Stampin' Up! Independent Demonstrator and signed up with them to make cards, but over the past 5 years I have really turned more to scrapbooking and have a terrible time getting cards of any kind out in a timely manner.

*I hate ants...you might remember why...

*My favorite cake is red velvet.

*I don't know how to really swim and I wont get in the lake with out a life jacket on and I wont go into the deep side of a pool. I know. Lame, right? Ethan is a much better swimmer than I.

*My hubby and I love Dave Ramse.y and striving for Financial Peace.

*I am a licensed social worker.

*I started working when I was sixteen and have only had about three months in my life since when I did not have a job. I've worked as everything from a pharmacy tech, to a jewelry sales associate, to a personal trainer, to a theatre assistant tech director, to a house keeper, to the site-supervisor of an afterschool program. Plus a few more thrown in there.

*I would love more than almost anything to stay at home with the kids for a couple of years when we bring our daughter home from Korea to homeschool and be a SAHM or even a WAHM.

*I have the bedroom suite that my Grandmother bought when my granparents got married 61 years ago. She got a job at a dry cleaners and save for a long time to purchase the 3 peice set and it cost her $200.

OK, so here's the part I'm cheating on. If any of you haven't recieved one of these rewards and are following some great blogs that need some encouragement, send and email to the address on the sidebar and I will come back and edit this post to nominate you for the award you request so you can send it on to another blogger!

Thanks again you sweet ladies!!!

What Love Really Means

2011-01-27T14:41:00.002-05:00

Something has been heavy on my heart lately.

Love.

Love for our children.
Love for our spouses.
Love for God.
God's love for us.

Love.

So many of us feel to insufficient or unworthy when it comes to this area of our lives. We feel we don't show our kids love enough, especially the ones who aren't here with us. It's unnatural, therefore we always feel failing. We may feel like we are a bad wife or partner, feeling unworthy of the love they share with us. Or feel like they are unworthy of our love due to past hurts. Some may feel like their faith, their love for God, is imperfect or lacking. I'm pretty sure at some point in time everyone wonders why God would care so much to send his son to die for us. I know I do at times.

So, eventhough it may sound a little cliche, some other bloggers and I have gotten together and are going to be posting about all about love in February.

All kinds of love.

Everyday I will post here on where to visit that day. Our hopes are as you hop around our blogs you feel more loved and are encourage to love more deeply.

I know not everyone who reads this blog is married, has kids, or even a Christian...and that's OK! There are going to be all kinds of LOVEly posts from some very LOVEly women! I hope you will join us as we all walk together and talk about What Love Really Means!

I can't wait to read some of these ladies posts!

In addition, I will be having several giveaways between February 1st and 14th! If you are planning on hosting a giveaway in this time frame, let me know and I will direct people to your blog as well. I have been so blessed by these blogging community and I think it's time we Spread the Love!!! If you are interested in being part of this Lovefest, just leave me a comment telling me so with your email address!

Much love to you all!!!

Our Adoption Timeline

2011-01-26T10:02:00.001-05:00

In Progress!

December 2010- Review information on different local home study and child placing agencies as well as differences between domestic and international adoption as well as different countries open to international adoption as provided by agencies.

January 1, 2011 - Make the announcement to friends and family. Declaring this the year of HOPE.

January 5, 2011 - Heard a scripture at church in a new way confirming to me what God was speaking to my heart.
"Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west." Isaiah 43:5

January 14, 2011 - Met with a homestudy agency and decided to go with them and decided on placing agency. Paid application fee. We are applying to adopt from South Korea!!!

January 24, 2011 - First homestudy meeting with social worker at her home.

January 25, 2011 - Medical Exams.

February 7, 2011 - 2nd homestudy meeting, this time at our home.

Homestudy Meeting #1

2011-01-26T10:00:00.000-05:00

Monday night we met with the social worker that will be writing our homestudy report. As soon as we walked in the door of her home, we saw her beautiful children. Meredith has adopted two (I just can't emphasiza how beautiful) children from Ethiopia. We brought Ethan with us and after a few minutes of warming up to everyone he was off playing with her kids and we sat and talked with her in her home office. She answered all the questions I could think of and we talked about her adoption journey. She completely put us as ease and made us feel like this process, although very thorough and kind of complicated, will go smoothly.

Ben and I really enjoyed meeting her and her family and appreciate so much she opened her home and story to us. We had an honest conversation with some of the comments she has heard about being a multicultural family and we appreciate her unique insight to help us prepare our minds (our comebacks) and our spirits from negative attitudes of some that may still hold prejudices and ignorant thoughts. We also have wondered how to prepare Ethan. Then it hit me. While we were in Meredith's home, after only a few minutes, Ethan referred to Meredith as the children's Mom. He never once questioned if she was their mom or not because they physically look different. He could just tell...she IS their mom. I wish I could say this is because of our excellent parenting and guidance, but who are we kidding...I know that this is something not taught. If only all of our eyes and hearts were so pure! Instead of analyzing any family structure or system, we could just appreciate the beauty of it and simply answer, "Yes." She is there mom. They are her kids. Period. I wish we all could see through the eyes of children for a day. I imagine they see things a lot like God.

{2 Months} Establishing Laughter

2011-01-24T22:20:00.002-05:00

Today it has been two months since I held my littlest of boys.

If you've been following me for a while, you know I like to see the meaning in things. Especially names. Jakin's name means "God will establish Laughter".

So to remember Jakin, and to remember God's promise that he would establish laughter in our lives, I've decided to post something that makes me or my family laugh on the 24th of every month!

Today, sinceValentine's Day is just a couple weeks away, I wanted to post this song by the HILARIOUS Tim Haw.kins! I hope you get at least a little giggle and I pray that God is establishing laughter in your lives everyday!

By the way, if you find something funny...a video, a joke, a photo that makes you laugh...send it to me!!! I would love to spread a little laughter throughout the blogging community!!!

2011-01-22T22:12:00.000-05:00

I've seen posts where women share all their meds that they have to take while trying to get pregnant or while pregnant in the case of IVF or embryo adoption. If you are not new to the infertility/loss/ttc blogs, I'm sure you have too.

This is not one of those posts.

This is about the left-overs.

I usually don't write about this stuff. And I don't advise any one to ever post that they are taking any kinds of meds that can be abused due to bad people that might want to take advantage of you. But none of this is worth stealing...unless you have a bunch of clotting disorders, high blood pressure and an irregular heartbeat among other things.
Anyway, I was doing some house cleaning I started gathering all the meds I had to take during my pregnancy with Jakin. (Just another note: don't keep meds in the medicine cabinet...it is the first place addicts...or experimenting teens...will look if they want to steal from you)

When all was said and done this is what I had...

What in the world am I supposed to do with all this?

Yuck. I hate meds. Especially meds that are meant to save your baby's life-but don't.

Fossils

2011-01-20T21:40:00.000-05:00

Before Christmas we went to Northern Kentucky to visit some close family friends for Christmas and one of our Godchildren's birthdays. While we were there we went back to the Creation Museum. This time to see the live nativity. We got there early to fight the crowds and walked through the museum. I saw the large dragonfly fossil that I remembered seeing from our first trip there. But, when we got down to the lower level, I saw something I didn't remember. Two dragonflies. Two of them fossilized forever and together in this display.

Isn't it just facinating? One day these two were just flying around and then they are frozen in time for us to see. Dragonflies have a very short lifespan when they get their wings, but these two (like my two) have forever left an imprint.

Fossils just amaze me.

Back to Work

2011-01-17T20:37:00.000-05:00

As I was typing the title of this post, the computer remembered it already.

As the title suggests, I'm headed back to the office tomorrow. I could use some prayers.

I like my job. I love the school I work at. It's just being back there...again...for the second time after losing one of my babies. I know the day will go back fine and everyone is very understanding. I just can't explain the emotions.

Overall, I'm doing well and grief is doing it's work, but so is God and he is healing our hearts.