Five Months Later

I can talk about her without tears gushing from my eyes.
I can look through her things and not always cry.
I can think about the course of events and not hate myself so much (most of the time).
I can contemplate future children without the fear being as strong.  It's still there, but not as crippling as it once was.
I can visit the cemetary and know SHE is not there.  It is just a symbol and it's ok not to go there ever day or even every week.
I can control my frustration, anger and hurt when people forget to mention her, don't ask about her or wrinkle their brow when I do.
I can remember my pregnancy with fondness.  The sadness is not gone, and I don't think it ever will be, but I can remember some of the precious things and smile.

There are lots of things I can do Five Months Later.

There are also lots of things I can't.

I choose to focus on the the cans right now.  The can'ts are still too overwhelming at times.  But here I am, Five Months after saying goodbye to my darling daughter.  I'm still here.  I'm still breathing, still living.  The more time passes the further I feel from her.  But the odd paradox is with each day that passes, I am actually getting closer to her.  Closer to the day that I will hold my sweet baby girl again.  I can't even begin to imagine what that day will be like. 

Five Months. 

And I'm still here.

Snow Days

About six inches of snow fell this weekend here.  It is so beautiful.  I just had to go out and take a few pictures and play with Ethan.  I just knew I had to do this too...

It may be a little hard to see, but it is Shyla's name in the snow with a pink gerbera daisy.

And of course, we had to take a few of these too...

And I just HAD to get one of Ben riding his bike in the snow with Ethan in tow.

There is more snow in the forecast, so we may get another chance to write names in the snow.  If you want a name written in the snow, let me know and if the opportunity presents itself, I would be more than happy to do so.  I think with a little photo editing, it would be a little easier to read.

Blogs and Kisses

I just wanted to let everyone know I have started two other blogs.  I know...I'm a bloggy addict.  Seriously.  I could read blogs all day.  Too bad I can't get paid doing that, right?

My first new blog I started after finding a recipe for making my own laundry soap.  I tried it.  I loved it.  So then I started researching recipes for other cleaners and such.  We are on the road to being out of consumer debt (everything but the house) in April and I could not be happier!  We have been on Dave Ramsey's financial peace plan for a while and can't wait for the day that we can call into his radio show and scream at the top of our lungs "WE'RE DEBT FREE!!!"  I started this blog mainly for me to keep track of my "recipes", frugal tips and ideas.  Hop on over to Nothing But Love to check out those recipes and frugal tips.  But keep in mind, I haven't been doing much over there, and for some reason I can't create a link like I can in this blog, so you see the whole, long, web address when I try to link something...hmmmm....I will keep working on that.

My other new blog is a crafty one.  I love repurposing things, creating things, scrapbooking and paper crafting and when I found the wealth on information on all of these subjects in blogs online I started my own to chronicle my attempts, successes and even crafty failures.  Again, I just started and just have like three posts, but if you are interested, head on over to Creative Joy Crafts.  (Warning: there are going to be lots of baby crafts.  I have lots of friends having babies and I have found it is much easier for me to make gifts than to wonder around the baby department looking for them.)  The first crafty blog I ran across was Joy's Hope.  I found her first, because I found the story of her Joy Emma and how she is also a baby loss mama.  She is a wonderfully creative lady who has since been blessed with three little girls and always finds creative ways to remember her Joy.

I am finding so much enjoyment in looking through different kinds of blogs.  Baby loss blogs help me on my grief.  Creative blogs spur my creativity and give me ideas and inspirations.  Frugality blogs help me find new ways to save my family money and be creative with our income.  SO...I think I will be looking into a bloggy make-over for one of my blogs and I think I know where I will be going for that.  If you haven't heard, Franchesca (from  Handprints from Heavenand Abiding Hope Collages) has started Small Bird Studio and offers beautiful and affordable blog make overs.  The proceeds go to help her fund the Hope Collages.  So if you are in need of a makeover, go see her!

If you all know of any blogs I need to read, email me!

Rough.

To put it mildly, I've been having a rough couple of days.  I wont get into it all, but trust me...I am not the person I want to be the past few days. 

Then, I opened my devotional and read this...

"We are Christ's ambassadors.God is using us to speak to you; we beg you, as though Christ himself were here pleading with you, receive the love he offers you-be reconciled to God." 
2 Corinthians 5:20

In light of my last post, my announcement that we have been asked to be the March of Dimes Ambassador in our area this year, I am a bit more than ashamed that I have had the attitude that I have had.  But gosh it's just so hard sometimes.

Abba Father,
Please help me be more beautiful in your eyes through not only my actions but my thoughts and REactions to things around me.  Let your light shine through me.  Help me through the next few days and the challenges that I am facing.  Your will be done in all things.
Amen.

Ambassador

I started looking for a local support group back in October.  No luck.  We live in a pretty rural area and there was nothing here.  The only thing we have access to is private counseling, but I was really looking for a group we could be a part of and contribute to.  I researched the Compassionate Friends, Share, MEND, MISS, all of them.  Then, on a random websearch I came across the March of Dimes website.  I had no idea what all the March of Dimes did.  I had participated in the March for Babies before (when I was pregnant with Ethan was the first time), but I had NO idea the money raised also supported research in all kinds of health issues...including clotting disorders and other issues related to miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death.

I looked around their website some more and found that part of their mission is to provide support to bereaved parents.  Who knew!?  They even sponser "A Walk to Remember" (the steps they'll never take).  We might not have a lot here, but I do know the March of Dimes Regional Office in a neighboring county.  I sent them an email saying I was interested in learning more about any support groups or services.  Then I waited.  And waited.

In early December, I got an email!  The local office does not currently offer services for bereaved parents, but wanted to start a committee to lead up support efforts and they asked if I would be willinng to be a part.  Of course I said yes!  I was so excited!  We met once in December to brainstorm what we could do to support bereaved parent and parents of babies currently in the NICU.  The closest NICU is a little over 2 hours away, so we were trying to think of things to take there to support families du ring their stay.  I never experienced that.  BUT, I am going to be able to share what I know.  Which, sadly, is only death. Among the people that were in attendance, there were two March of Dimes employees, a mother with a lively little girl who was born very premature and is now 4 years old and healthy, there was a mom to twins that were born premature about a year ago and both are now doing great, a mommy to a set of twins who were born at 24 weeks, one survived, one did not, and then there was me...no survivor here.  At times I wondered if this was the right place for me, but the more we talked, the more I knew it was.  LOTS of great ideas came from this session, but we left not knowing exactly where to start.

We met today for the second time.  There were just three of us there, but I still feel like we got a lot accomplished.  We are trying to get info out there and start some support services.  The March of Dimes employees are busy planning the marches and getting everything ready.  If you are familiar at all with the March for Babies, you know that every year the March of Dimes selects an Ambassador to share their story and lead the official March.  The Marches that I have attended, there is always a healthy baby or preschooler who has overcome many odds and is a survivor of premature birth. 

This year, they are taking a different approach.

They asked me today if we would consider being the Ambassador, in memory of our Shyla.  At first, I have to admit, I thought "I bet she doesn't remember my baby died.  There is no success story here.  There will not be a healthy bouncing baby girl at the march."  But as we talked more, it was very clear she remembered my story.  I will speak at the kick-off luncheon in a few weeks and share her story.  They told me I will need to speak with the press also and gave me a tip sheet on how to do that.  Then, in April, at the March for Babies, Ben, Ethan and myself (with Shyla's blankie in hand) will ride in a convertable and lead the march through the downtown area of that neighboring town where the regional office is located.  This will not only be a March for Babies, but a Walk to Remember our girl.

I am honored. 

She is honored. 

Pray that God is honored in all of my words and actions.

Another Visit

We will be making another visit to the funeral home this week.  My great aunt Mary passed away early this morning.  This is the aunt that we found out had cancer about two weeks ago, the same day as my cousins funeral.  Two weeks.  She had cancer in several different organs around her body and the doctors said they just caught it too late then sent her home. 
She is now safe and restored in the arms of our Heavenly Father and no longer in pain.  Please keep my family in your prayers.  So far, this year is not shaping out to be like we'd hoped.

Dependent

That's what I am.  I completely admit it now.

Pray for God's wisdom and guidance in our decisions.  Ben has been going through the rather lengthy process of interviewing for a different job.  His dream job.  The process began with a written exam...he passed with flying colors.  Then, there was a physical test.  No problem for him.  Then a packet of paperwork to fill out that included everything from info on his inlaws to a list of every person he has ever lived with (and yes the dreaded question: How many children do you have?  Give me some help, how would you answer this...think about it, you are asked ALL the time on paper work).  Then, lastnight someone came to our house to go over the packet and do sort of a mini interview.  Yes thats right...at our house...

Most wives would probably be cheering their hubby on.  And I'm trying.  But I haven't gotten to the hardest part of this for me yet.  If he gets this job (I should say "when he gets this job" because it sounds like he's a shoe-in) he will have to go to training.  Lots of it.  I mean 18 weeks in one location, 10 weeks in a different location and 14 weeks in the field training. 42 weeks.  10.5 months.  Most weekends he will be allowed to come home from late Friday night until Sunday morning, about 36 hours, to do laundry and rest.  But then back at it.  The first 18 weeks will be about a hour and a half away.  Then 10 weeks will be two and a half hours away and then he can be placed anywhere in the state for field training.  Ugh.  I'm nausiated just thinking about it.  I admit it.  I am really dependent on my husband.  And it has gotten about 100 times worse since our loss.  I want him to be happy, I really do.  So we have talked and I have been there, supporting him.  But he knows how I get anxious about him being gone so much.

His son ADORES him.  I don't think I have ever met a child that is more of a daddy's boy.  This is one of the strongest reasons I dread all that time with him gone.  Another is due to our second child.  I know she is in Heaven and will not physically be here missing him, but in my weakest most bereaved moments, Ben is here for me.  He is an awesome man.  Really.  If you don't know him, you are really missing out.  Yet another reason this time away makes me uneasy is our third child.  The one yet to be concieved.  This was going to be our year.  We had talked about when we would like to add to our family, and with my clotting disorder, every year I age increases the risk of issues.  It's kind of hard to have a baby if your husband is three hours away.  So we talked about it and I started to believe I could do this.  If we timed it right, he could be gone our first trimester and then be home before I have to start giving myself daily injections of blood thinners.

Then the "what-ifs" started coming.

What it I have a miscarriage and he isn't here?  What if I get injured at home...who will be here to get me to the hospital?  What if I am put on bed rest?  What if I have much more restrictions due to having a high risk pregnancy?  What if I can't...

Then to add to this, when Ben asked the gentleman that came to our house lastnight if there was a family emergency during training, would they let him miss a day to come be with family.  Basically, the guy said no.  He said that you are not allowed to miss any training.  In extreme circumstance, he could possibly come home for a few hours to one day.

The "what-ifs"  were almost taken care of then and there.  I can't do this alone.  Then when reading lastnight, I realized I wouldn't be alone.  God is always holding me.

So, now we are praying and leaving it in God's hands.  Like we should have done from the beginning.





Ok, before anyone thinks that I am being incredibly whiny and attached here let me acknowledge that I already know that.  I know there are many, many amazing women who live without their husbands for months at a time while they are working or serving and protecting our country and I truely admire them.  But, for me, and for this time in our lives, it is almost too much to think about.  I did not get married to live alone.  not for one month...not for ten months.  So please don't take my words as wrongly.  My husband is truely an awesome man and a great father.  Just please pray God's will be done in our lives and that whatever path our lives take glory is given to God.